The Original Naked Quidditch Match
by Evilgoddss
Summary: When a Magical game of Truth & Dare goes wrong, the Gryffindor Quidditch team must 'bare' up and face the consequences. And as the news spreads like wildfire in mmail things get quite out of control.
1. Chapter 1

**_Naked Quidditch Match - The Beginning_**

_**Note from the Author:** _there have been several attempts by fans to post this story on the internet. When I originally wrote this fic, it was a private story to be shared with a few friends, and I never intended it to go out on the 'net. However, it was well loved by my friends, and much like gossip spread like wildfire. I agreed with two of my friends for a private posting on their website for re-reading. Years later, in order to keep from plagiarsm of my work, I'm posting it here with the rest of my fanfics. I hope it still is very enjoyable now with the last book in all reader's hands, and that you can find a smile or laugh in it.

One last note, there are some corrections and changes on this version that were NOT on the site. This site, btw, is now defunct and the story is not available there. One reviewer noted the "size" changes, for example. Done due to the cough upset of some young men who notified me that 17.7825cm x 11.945cm was much too small for a young man of 16. Also, for those that saw the original measurements in the "inches" -- not very British, I'm told. However, to anyone who questions my original ownership, I can prove it beyond a doubt. I can provide the original word documents -- and the editor marks to prove my ownership of this story. Heck, I even have the original graphics that were made up for it. - Anya

**

* * *

****To: All Students **  
**From:** Deputy Head Mistress, M. McGonagall  
**Re: **Naked Quidditch (11/15/01) 

As reported, by part of your foolish use of Magical Truth or Dare, the next Quidditch game conducted by the Gryffindor team in the buff. Given the nature of this particular game, the staff of Hogwarts will ensure temperatures in the Quidditch field stay reasonable.

All betting regarding the various sizes and weights of student equipment is not condoned. Should a magical measure stick be seen in the vicinity of the field on game day, there will be 500 points deducted from the house and a month of detentions.

Students in first through third years playing on the team are exempted from this display, as they were non-participants in the foolish game. They are to remain in their Quidditch uniforms.

Given the fact jock cups cannot be used in this game as per the restrictions of a "naked Quidditch challenge", any male student who wishes to learn of a genitalia protection spell may come to my office in confidence.

I would like to stress to all students that this type of 'dare' from a Truth and Dare game is unacceptable, but magically blinding. Please do try to engage brains before making foolish choices.

-Professor M. McGonagall

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Teammates **  
**From:** Gred and Forge Weasley  
**Re:** Game Next Week 

Oy. Okay, so we all know we're playing starkers. Letting it all hang out. Exposing our bits. Flaunting our glory...just to ensure we put those Slytherin gits to shame, anyone needing an 'enhancement' potion should let us know before the game. Well before the game. You'll need a nights rest and some practice to get used to the new balls, if you know what we're meaning.

Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woed. Anyone care for the Pict-Quidd team? I think we'd all look dashing in blue. Especially Katie, Alicia and Angelina, eh ladies?

Now, finally, the last going bid for the Malfoy jewels came in at a miserable 2". Anyone out there, at ALL, care to dare higher? Pity Slytherin won't be all nekkid on the field, but still. We may yet find a way to verify measurements. Oh, and Harry? Your fan-club has dumped the motherload for your dimensions. You might want to consider posing for 'em.

F&G  
G&F

**

* * *

****To: Harry's Girls (All Members) **  
**From:** Ginny / Founder  
**Re:** Game Next Week 

We've got Colin's camera! Anyone knowing a good way to disguise it as nothing more than Omnioculars please let me know!

Oh, and btw, I've snitched (err. No pun intended) my brother's omnioculars. That's a total of 3 pair I can lend out... first come first serve.

Lastly, the design team for the Harry Potter Nude 2002 Calendar should meet IMMEDIATELY after the game!

_Gin_

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team **  
**From:** Alicia Spinnet  
**Re** GQ Teammates Memo 

Fred, George:

You are **SO** very dead.  
- Katie, Alicia and Angelina

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Charm for Camera 

You can never admit to Ron that this came from me. Attached is the charm you need. I've also included another charm that will let an omnioculor capture an image and store it for downloading onto photograph paper.

You _really_ _**REALLY**_ mustn't let anyone know what the omnioculors can do. Especially not Ron. He'll KNOW the charm came from me. It's taken me six months to get him to ease up on the Viktor thing; I'll not have him go cross-eyed every time Harry is in the same room as he and I.

Just so you know I've tested the charm on my omnioculor already. And no, you can't see the pictures. They're personal.

H.G.

**

* * *

****To: George and Fred Weasley **  
**From:** Lee  
**Re:** You guys have a BIG Problem. 

Mates, we're going to loose the bet. Harry's gone AWOL. I overhead Dumbledore talking to McGonagall and they think he's just handed himself over to Voldemort rather than play the game starkers.

BTW, Alicia and crew have it out for you. They've been practicing beat-the-beater and their aim is PHENOMENAL! You'd best see McGonagall re the protection charm.

Good luck!  
-Lee

**

* * *

****To: Angelina & Katie  
From:** Alicia Spinnet  
**Re:** The Damn Quidditch Match 

Look, ladies. I know we're only caught up in this damn nightmare because of Fred and George, but it could be worse.

Face facts. We are hot women. All those Quidditch practices and whatnot have left us lean, trim and very firm. And, we're not lacking in other assets, either.

So, the boys want to ogle. I say we provide a show that would put the Veela's to shame. I've gone to McGonagall and got the protection charm. I'll not have bruises show on my body! I also asked for the waxing charm.

So, how about a girls beauty night? Hermione has offered to play watch-out and keep the guys off our back. Oh! And here's a thought... if we're gonna go starkers because of this damn dare, how about raising the ante with a strip tease?

- Alicia

**

* * *

****To: Fred and George  
From:** Ron  
**Re:** Your AWOL Seeker 

Sorry mates, but Hogsmeade's entire supply of Butterbeer just ain't gonna cut it. Keep in mind, I've learned from the best jokers in Hogwarts. You'll have to come up with more than that for me to spill Harry's location. Now, if you can find a stripping charm for Hermione and access to a room for private showing, then we'll talk.

Oh, and I just got two owls from Bill and Charlie. They wanna know if it's too late for them to submit their bids for the golden snitches. Percy, of course, declined to wager.

- Ron

**

* * *

****To: Lee Jordan  
From:** Fred Weasley  
**Re:** Finding Harry 

Checked with Ron, Lee. He's not budging. You sure that Lavender's on the level about those piccy's Hermione has?

- Fred  
(and George)

**

* * *

****To: Fred AND George  
From:** Lee Jordan  
**Re:** Pictures 

Word is, our resident Gryffindor Super-Genius has found a way to turn Omnioculors into a digital camera. Right neat or wot?

She's got some interesting snaps of your little brother Ronniekins from the locker-room showers. I'd say she's been lifting Harry's Cloak of Iniquity.

And George, insecurity complex much?

Lee

**

* * *

****To: Lee Jordan  
From:** Fred and George Weasley  
**Re:** Err? What? 

You Muggle Git! What the deuce is a 'digital' camera?  
-F&G

**

* * *

**

**To: Ron Weasley  
From:** His Wonderful Big Brothers  
**Re:** AWOL Seeker

Dear Ronniekins

It has come to our attention, via our elaborate and exotic spy network that _someone_ (who shall go unnamed until you tell us where our vanished seeker is) has taken advantage of your trust and captured you in the buff on film.

For the price of such information that leads to the whereabouts of one Harry Potter, we will divulge the perpetrator, the method of the crime and provide you with the originals of the incriminating photos.

And no, Ronnie... they aren't the baby pictures Mummy took.

Brotherly Love,  
Fred & George

**

* * *

****To: All Gryffindors **  
**From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Attention All Gryffindors 

If I find the perv who has been sneaking around taking pictures of me starkers, I'll do worse than an unforgiveable curse!

And, I bet I'm not the only one this creep has been stalking!

Anyone with knowledge of the identity of this git had better let me know and let me know fast or I'll go straight to McGonagall!

- Ron Weasley.

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** You didn't tell him! 

Ginny!  
Please tell me you didn't tell Ron about the Omnioculors! Please! Omigod! How did he find out about the pictures?! What am I going to do if he finds out it was me!

Hermione

**

* * *

****To: Hermione Granger  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Pictures 

You're NOT serious! You took naked pictures of MY brother? Are you out of your mind? What on earth would you want pictures of THAT git for?

I haven't told Ron anything. I'm quite put out with him, he's hiding Harry, I just know it, and he won't say where.

As for dealing with Ron... when in doubt, lie. Make something up. He's so gullible he'd believe you if you swore your unending love for him.

Err. You don't love him, do you? I'm sure there's a tonic for that.

- Ginny

**

* * *

****To: Ron Weasley  
From:** Your Secret Admirer  
**Re:** Rumors of Pictures 

Dear Ron,  
I am a female student in the upper classes. I am in a few of your classes, and have been since first year.

Umm. I don't know what to say other than... IhaveacrushonyouandIhavethepicturesyouweretalkingabout. I don't know how you found out about them. I've shown NO ONE! And I won't.

Please don't go to McGonagall. Please! I couldn't bear to have you find out who I am, because... because I know you couldn't possibly like me too.

- Your Secret Admirer

**

* * *

****To: Hermione Granger  
From:** Your Bestest Bud, Ron  
**Re:** Help? 

Hey Mione!

Remember when you were explaining the things about the Mmail system here? What was it you said about IP #'s being traceable? I can't remember. Is there a way to look up WHO sent you something by IP number?

Let me know! I'll read HaH if you can help!  
- Ron

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team **  
**From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re:** Our Missing Seeker 

Alicia, Katie and Angelina, with all due respect, we've gone to McGonagall and got the protective charm. You three are playing wrong positions! You should be Beaters!

Good news, though. We've found Harry. The git has been hiding under his invisibility cloak in the Chamber of Secrets for the past three days to avoid detection. Our darling baby sister went down and hauled him up. You've got to admire her persistence to a goal.

At any road, Harry's under 24-hour guard now. And Snape has promised to ensure he doesn't poison or wound him in class. We don't know what the fool's worried about. We share lockers with him; he's got nothing to be ashamed about. Really. NOTHING.

- Gred and Forge

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** The Damn Situation Fred & George got us in. 

Here's an idea... let's concede the game. LET the Slytherin's take the bloody cup. I'm not going out there starkers!

- Harry

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team  
From:** Fred and George Weasley  
**Re:** Concede the game?! 

We can't possibly concede the game! Are you mad, Harry?! If we even consider it, think of what Malfoy's gonna say. Not only do we have our personal prides at stake here, but also the glory of our House.

And if anyone else is even considering this idea, we'll go straight to McGonagall. She's not going to let her House go down to Slytherin after that horrendous 7-year loss to them in the House Cup.

Oh, and Harry, if only the bets on the size of your prized jewels were House points, we'd win the House Cup as fast as Percy can apparate downstairs.

- Gred and Forge

**

* * *

****To: All Gryffindors  
From:** Neville Longbottom  
**Re:** NAKED 

Now that I have your attention, I'd like to remind everyone that November 13th, is W i l l ' s birthday.

And NO, I don't know why we have to space his name out like that. We just do! So, say _Happy Birthday_ when you see him, and just for the day, don't hex him.

- NL

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Tower (All)  
Re:** Fred & George Weasley  
**From:** Harry Potter 

Allow me to dispel the rumors. My measurements are precisely 6.23" x 2.75" in width. Anyone wanting diameter, provide a tape measure and I'll bloody give you that too!

Having spoiled the gambling, I suggest you all get a refund from the pool from Fred and George

Best regards,  
- Harry

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re:** Measurements 

How **could** you do that to us? Your mates, your chums, you buds... your teammates! How, Harry? How?

* * *

**To: Harry Potter  
From:** M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress  
**Re:** Fred, George... 

Mr. Potter:  
I expect to see you in my office first thing tomorrow morning!

Deputy Headmistress  
Minerva McGonagall

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Lavender Brown  
**Re:** Harry's Measurements 

Oh my goodness. Did you SEE that Ginny? Over 6"! YUM!

- Lav

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** A Gryffindor Admirer  
**Re: **Independent Assessment of Measurement 

Dear Harry,

As an avid fan of your Quidditch prowess (among other things), may I suggest that a neutral party (i.e. a non-Gryffindor and non-Slytherin) take your measurements?

Who's to say that any of your answers could be believed considering our House and Slytherin are active participators in this Quidditch match?

I'm sure a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw wouldn't mind volunteering for this tedious and most difficult task.

Go Gryffindors!

- An admirer

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Oliver Wood  
Re: Gryffindor Quidditch Team  
**Re:** House Pride 

I've just been informed by emergency Owl Post about this Stark Quidditch Match. Harry, what do you think you're doing?! Rule # 1 is _never giving Slytherin ANY advantage!_ Sure you're in a rather compromising position with this game, but winning the game is your first priority!

Now go and recant your measurements before Slytherin finds out. I've worked hard to put Gryffindor at the top, and so did your teammates. Don't let your pants us down! Just remember that we've got the best Quidditch team in the school... and our reputation depends on YOU!

Feel free to Owl me for Quidditch tips.

- Oliver

**

* * *

****To: Oliver Wood  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Teamwork. 

Ollie:  
No real disrespect intended but-- Go to Hell.  
- Harry

**

* * *

****To: Fred & George Weasley  
From:** Oliver Wood  
**Re:** Harry's Attitude 

Listen, chaps. I just had the most appalling email back from Potter. I think you both need to take a firm look at how you're managing your Captaincy.

It's about Teamwork. Working together and making sacrifices for the team. You've got to encourage him to have a more sporting outlook. Sure, I realize I'm not the one having to go Starkers in front of the entire student body... but still.

D'ya suppose his reluctance has to do with how the entire student body will be ogling HIS body and no one else's?

- Oliver

**

* * *

****To: Oliver Wood  
From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re: **Err? Fred? George? 

Hey, Oliver:

1. It is our sincere hope that the MALES of the student body are not inclined to ogle Harry. That's just sick, man.

2. Excuse us, but -- Go To Hell!

- Fred & George

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Lavender Brown  
**Re:** Hello? 

Ginny? Did you get my email? Are you okay? No one's heard from you since Saturday?

- Lavender

**

* * *

****To: Lavender Brown  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Worried about Ginny 

Lavender,

I found her. She was practically catatonic on her bed with a measuring rule and that bloody email of Harry's. I took her to Madam Pomfrey and we're pretty sure she's not foaming at the mouth, just drooling.

Hermione

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter, Fred & George Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Ginny's Condition 

Goddamnit, Harry! You know my little sister has a crush on you! Did you HAVE to send out that email glorifying your endowment?

Hermione took her down to the Infirmary. She was foaming at the mouth and wouldn't let go of a printout of that email and a measuring tape!

This is ALL your fault, Fred, George. Wait till Mom finds out!

And Harry -- stay away from my little sister!  
- Ron

**

* * *

****To: Ron Weasley **  
**From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Ginny's Condition 

Err? Ron? I'm your bloody roomie? Why are we emailing each other this stuff?  
- Harry

**

* * *

****To: A Gryffindor Admirer  
From:** Harry Potter  
**CC:** Gryffindor Tower (All)  
**Re:** Independent Assessment of Measurements 

For the sake of accuracy in the gambling regarding the assets of the Quidditch team, why not measure all of us?

Just contact Hermione Granger to work out a schedule that's agreeable and I'll drop my trousers for your review if Fred & George drop theirs.

- Harry Potter


	2. Chapter 2

_**Naked Quidditch Match - Second Verse, Much Like the First**_

**To: Fred & George Weasley **  
**From:** Lee Jordan  
**Re:** Harry's Response

He called our bluff. NOW what do we do?

**

* * *

****To: Lee Jordan  
From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re:** The Bluff 

Ah, our fine panicking friend. When the bluffee bluffs the bluffer, then raise the bluff.

One word to solve our dilemma: Draco.

The question is: HOW?!

- Gred and Forge

**

* * *

****To: Ron Weasley**  
**From:** Bill Weasley  
**Re:** Golden Snitches 

Hey little brother,

You might want to give Harry a head's up. The word about the NQM next Thursday has gotten out to the media.

And, apparently the betting for the Golden Snitches have gotten really ridiculous. There isn't a wizarding pool to TOP the highest winning prize for this one!

Err. So, how about giving your family a tip in what to bet? Think of it as investing in the betterment of Weasley Lifestyles everywhere.

- Bill.

**

* * *

****To: Bill Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Golden Snitches 

Harry, great prat he is, went public with the size and weight of the Snitches. Ginny's gone catatonic as a result, and let me tell you, the smile on her face is frightening. We're still trying to pry the measuring tape from her hands.

Anyway, if you must know: 6.23 x 2.75.

Ron.

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Bill Weasley  
**Re:** Measurements 

How could you, Harry?

- Bill

**

* * *

****To: Bill Weasley; Ron Weasley; Charlie Weasley**** Ungodly Duo  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** I defeated Voldemort Once 

Some spport, if you don't boody mind, would be verry appreciated. Because of the idiot-duo-from-Hell, I have to go streaking how there all exposed, adn YOU are a worried about making money off my humiliation?

Yuir all to kind. I've already got a week's worth of detention from McGonagall. And I won't even MENTION the lecture I got.

By the way, Ron. I went and saw Ginny. She's fine now.

Harry.

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Charlie Weasley  
**Re:** Your Email 

Mate, I really do understand where you're coming from. Fred and George really have stuck their foot in it this time.

Listen, talk to Hermione about this situation. No, not about the starkers part, but how to get around the humiliation of it all. You can't go out there with robes (or clothes) on. I get that. But, surely there's a way around the utter exposure... I'm thinking there must be a charm of obscurity you could use.

Get my drift?

Oh, and Harry? You're letting all of this stress you too much. Your command of the English language is slipping away.

- Charlie

_P.S. Remember, it can't be worse than dodging a clutching dragon!_

**

* * *

****To: Charlie Weasley**  
**From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Your Email 

I love you man.  
Really!

HP

**

* * *

**

**To: Hermione Granger  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Fw: Your Email

Herm...

You're kidding? Anti-charm wards? Tell me it's a joke. Please. You're my best friend, surely YOU can think of a way around this?

- Harry

**

* * *

**

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **Your Plan

Ginny,

I'm glad you're feeling better. I was really worried about you. However, having said that, I'm a little concerned about that idea you had.

I read the note you gave me in the Great Hall and compiled a list of possibilities to go wrong in Arithmancy. The consequences, you understand, are dire. If this doesn't work, Ron will hate me and Harry will never forgive me!

Oh, and btw, you should warn your brothers that McGonagall is now setting up anti-magic charms to ward off any potions, lotions or enhancement charms the teams can come up with. She's deliberately targeting it on people, not brooms.

See, that's the trick. I told Harry the concealment or obscurity spell he wanted was impossible, but it's NOT! He could charm the broomstick to do it for the specific rider!

Anyway, I'm panicking over here. Are you SURE you have a scapegoat out for those blasted pictures?

- Hermione

**

* * *

**

**To: Hermione Granger  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **My Ingenious Weasley Plan

Modesty runs in our family. Look, Herm, if you're asking me if I can outwit my brothers, then the answer is Bloody Hell YES!

I've observed every trick in the book for five brothers, enough so that I can out-think them all. This is a cakewalk! No challenge whatsoever. Ronnie will be crying on your shoulder before you know it and you can do whatever it is you want to him. (I still think a potion is your best solution, but if Ron does it for you, then there's no accounting for taste.)

After all, I had plenty time to come up with this plan. No worries, there.

Thanks for alerting McGonagall. No one will ever find out you snitched from me. You did tell McGonagall you didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for performing your civic duty, didn't you?

- Ginny

P.S. D'ya think the Slytherin team is taking this Quidditch match with as much paranoia?

**

* * *

**

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **McGonagall

Oh no! I forgot!

-hg

* * *

**To: Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**CC: **Charlie Weasley  
**Re: **This !#$ Quidditch Match

Bugger you two! There isn't a single bloody way out of this mess that you've caused. I may never forgive you for this, dammit! I already have your sister and most of the female residents of this damn Tower in a "HP Fan Club". I'm not daft. This is just the kind of foolishness that will get me listed in Witch Weekly AGAIN!

Do you have NO sense of shame? I had a glimmer of hope, a shining moment of sanity courtesy of Charlie. However, Hermione just broke the rotten news to me-- there are no charms or enchantments at all will work, as Dumbledore and McGonagall are setting up an anti-charm field. And I checked with Madam Hooch. I can't even 'dress' up my broom to protect my modesty.

You've gone too far, dammit!

- Harry

**

* * *

**

**To: Oliver Wood  
From: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Star Seekers

As an experienced Captain of our Illustrious Gryffindor House Team, could you bless us, your successors, with a pearl or two of wisdom?

Just how bad is it to irritate the star Gryffindor Seeker who has defeated Voldemort twice?

Hugs and Kisses,

- Gred and Forge

X0X0X

(We luv you man!)

**

* * *

**

**To: Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re: **Star Seekers

Up until Harry joined the team, the last win for the Gryffindor House was with your own brother Charlie.

Harry broke a significant and brutal dry spell, bless him. More importantly, he's never lost us a game... well, unless he was in the hospital wing at the time. Or passed out from a Dementor.

Bottom line, YOU DON'T PISS OFF THE SEEKER!

Now. There's no hope for it. I've heard from Harry, as you well know, and he's not taking this Naked Quidditch Match at all well. And truthfully, now that I've gone up in the ranks of my team, I can understand where he's coming from.

I've had to go underground. Change my fireplace and delist its address on the Floo-network. It's disastrous. There's even FAN CLUBS for me now! Seriously! Deranged women are throwing themselves at me, and I'm listed as the #8 most eligible bachelor. (Don't tell Harry, but he's been #1 for the past two years.)

Bottom line, it's a fine mess you've put the team into. I'd be very afraid for your lives if I were you. If Harry doesn't hand you over to Voldemort personally, then the girls are going to make you WISH that he had.

And, men do NOT hug and kiss other men. It's not dignified.

- Oliver

* * *

**To: Oliver Wood  
From: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Star Seekers 

Do you really think the girls are going to get us?

**

* * *

**

**To: Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re: **Star Seekers

Hell. Yes.

- Oliver

**

* * *

****To: Oliver Wood  
From: **Gred and Forge Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Star Seekers 

Our little Ollie has all grown up. We're so proud of you... cursing like that. It's just so... so... manly.

sob Where has our whittle captain gone? He's all big and grown and cursing now.

F&G

**

* * *

****To: FRED and GEORGE Weasley  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re: **Re: Re: Star Seekers 

Oh, sod off! I've been up for the past eighteen hours with practice and press conferences, plus a game. You two twats are enough to drive Dumbledore into a cursing rant.

I'm amazed you've survived this long. Though, I'm sure Katie or Angelina will be taking care of THAT issue anytime now, if Harry doesn't himself.

Best of luck, chaps. You'll need it.

- Oliver.

P.S. Don't call me Ollie. It's 'Oliver'

**

* * *

****To: Charlie Weasley  
From: **Gred and Forge Weasles  
**Re: **Seeking Seeker Advice 

After a brief discussion with our previous Gryffindor captain, we're seeking a second opinion.

How do we pacify the best Seeker our House has seen since you-- our beloved older and wiser brother, and formerly Captain and Seeker of the team-- left Hogwarts?

Oliver said not to piss Harry off, but well, too late! And you've seen Harry's last Mmail.

Got any advice to help us at least make it to the game?

Much brotherly love (and we'll even worship the ground you walk on),

- Gred and Forge

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re: **Re: Star Seekers 

I'm appalled to say this but-- concede the game. The idiot-duo has definitely gone too far this time!

Do you know, it took me 3 hours to get into my flat yesterday. 3 hours! And that's from the curb to the front door! Women were mauling me, all wanting to play with the bigger staff.

My testicles are bruised, and I probably won't be able to have children. All because I play bloody Quidditch. If it's this bad for me playing pro-Quidditch, I realize that it'll be much worse for you. I'm just starting to get recognition in our leading sport… you're the Boy Who Lived! Besides, I saw on the WWW that they're selling a limited edition calendar of you. You may have to hire bodyguards before you leave school!

Harry, if the twins don't concede the game-- RUN!

- Oliver

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team Ladies  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Those Weasley Bastards 

Ladies,

I'm given to understand you have some... plans of revenge developed. Given my own personal viewpoints regarding this upcoming match, I'm asking to be allowed to participate in your onset of revenge.

Basically: If George and Fred are going to suffer, I wish to help deliver up their suffering. Profoundly.

As I'm sure you've been informed, all charms and attempts to preserve our modesty are now forbidden. I believe there is some internal... efforts in ensuring that we're as exposed as possible. Heaven knows, my bloody "fan club" is apparently preparing to market "The Naked Truth: Harry Potter Exposed" as a 2002/2003 academic calendar.

To put things mildly, I'm going to become a raging alcoholic if things don't get under control soon.

And it's all Fred & George's fault. I'm within an inch of calling up ol' Tom and joining forces.

Whattaya say, ladies?

Harry, The Unamused Seeker

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Lavender soon-to-be-Finnegan  
**Re: **Harry Potter 2002 Calendar 

Ginny!

I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units!

Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail.

Your thoughts?

Lavender


	3. Chapter 3

**_Naked Quidditch Match – Third Time Around_**

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Lavender soon-to-be Finnegan  
**Re:** Harry Potter 2002 Calendar

I just checked our WWW orders for the calendar, and we're sold out already! It's been listed for barely one week and we're sold out of 50,000 units!

Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar to be licensed and marketed retail.

Your thoughts?

Lavender

* * *

**To: Professor Dumbledore  
From:** M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re:** Dangerous circumstands 

Albus:

I am very concerned about Harry Potter's mental state with regard to the upcoming Quidditch Match.

As you are no doubt aware, the Weasley twins have managed to put a magical wager in place, one that they unfortunately lost. The end result, the entire Gryffindor team must play the upcoming match in the buff.

Understandably, their teammates are not impressed, but I do not think anyone anticipated the depth of Harry's revulsion at this idea. To be honest, I can not blame the poor lad.

His fan club, of which I am having difficulty identifying the founding members, has set up a mass marketing scheme for a print run of calendars featuring Harry's... play at the upcoming game.

Albus... the boy has threatened to join forces with Voldemort unless something is done! Help!

- Minerva

**

* * *

**

**To: M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress****  
From:** Albus Dumbledore  
**Re:** The Quidditch Match

Minerva, the bluff behind the school IS quite dangerous. Since the Forbidden Forrest is strictly forbidden, we may be able to invalidate the terms of the dare.

Besides, surely the Slytherin team will never agree to play there.

- Albus

**

* * *

****To: Professor Dumbledore****  
From:** M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress  
**Re:** Re: The Quidditch Match 

Of course they're not going into the Forbidden Forest, you git! They're not playing IN the Bluff, they're dared to play Starkers. Naked. Nude.

NOW do you see my problem?

Minerva

**

* * *

****To: **M. McGonagall /Deputy Headmistress  
**From:**Albus Dumbledore  
**Re: **Re: Re: The Quidditch Match 

Oh my. Well. I think our first priority is to establish the President of Harry's fan club. If they're to profit off of the calendar, a certain percentage should be returned to the school, do you not think?

I shall make a request of all staff for the identity of the club president.

- Albus

**

* * *

**

**To: Harry Potter **  
**From:**Remus Lupin  
**Re: **Harry Potter Fanclub information

Harry, the most alarming mmail has been issued to me. I'm sharing this to you in confidence, son, as it's the least I can do.

Apparently, your fan club is planning to capture pictures from the upcoming game. I did not think this at all unusual until I found out the TERMS of the game.

Fred and George have certainly created a ruckus with this one, now haven't they?

Harry... there's no hope for the calendar, I'm afraid. McGonagall and Dumbledore have been unable to find the organizers or the methodology for how they will get the pictures. Obviously, cameras are strictly forbidden.

I've sent word to Sirius. This is the kind of thing that the Marauders are best suited for handling.

- Moony

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Tower (all)**  
**From:**Harry Potter  
**CC: **Remus Lupin, Snuffles  
**Re: **My Beloved Fan Club 

It has come to my attention that my unauthorized fan club intends to produce and market my assets from the upcoming game.

Given the unlicensed aspect of this, plus the fact I am a minor, I feel it needful to point out that without my express consent, this is a form of assault. As such, I will have charges laid against anyone who owns a copy of this calendar, or aids in the production.

HOWEVER, given that this situation has already been blown completely out of control, my legal counsel has advised that should a proposal be made to me on my terms, I may license such an enterprise. At a profit to ME, people. You want your naked pictures, you can have them. But if I'm going to be splattered across Britain in all my natural glory then I want a cut.

- Harry

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**Snuffles  
**CC: **Moony  
**Re: **Re: My Beloved Fan Club 

Harry, m'lad... that was ruddy brilliant. If you're going to be burned this bad, take it over and make it a statement in your favor.

Look, here's my take. You're not a bad looking boy, or Witch Weekly, Good Witchkeeping, and In Broomsticks wouldn't have you has the #1 eligible man in Britain. You consistently ousted Lockheart. (And I know what you think of that.)

Quidditch has built up your body. No, you're not as broad in the shoulder as that muggle Arnold, but you're enough to give a full grown man a few minutes thought before taking you on.

So. Here's my suggestion. In keeping with your ploy, let's get some professional shots done. I know a good photographer of high taste and great tact. Let's make this a media ploy IN your favor, rather than to humiliate you. Trust me, Harry, you can do this.

- Snuffles

* * *

**To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**Remus Lupin  
**CC: **Snuffles  
**Re: **Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club 

Harry, I'm willing to bet you're freaking. I'm not one to do the testosterone display, but here's some words that may get you through this. A mantra, if you will.

"When you got it, flaunt it."

You've got the prowess in the game, you've got the admiration of the ladies, the respect of your peers, and I heard about that mmail... 6.23 x 2.75, wasn't it? You can definitely take that to Gringotts!

- Remus

* * *

**To: Tom Marvello Riddle**  
**From:**Your Favorite Enemy  
**Re: **Joining the dark side of the Force 

Tom, I've been thinking. Why should we be enemies? I've got the skills you're looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I won't do subservient, I think you could use a young, canny partner.

Whattaya think?

Harry Potter

**

* * *

**

**To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Your Beloved Fan Club

Harry, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I'm president of your fan club.

I'm ashamed to admit, that yes, we were planning to do a calendar, but... in recent seeing how much this is disturbing you, we're willing to scrap the project.

If we do scrap the project, will you at least make your unofficial fan club an official one?

Ginny

* * *

**To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Your Beloved Fan Club 

Potter! What do you THINK you're doing?! I want to see you immediately after class today!

- McGonagall

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**Snuffles  
**CC: **Moony  
**Re: **Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club 

6.23 inches? Are you kidding me? And you're worried about WHAT again?

**

* * *

****To: Padfoot**  
**From:**Moony  
**CC: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club 

Padfoot...

Please, stop trying to help. Thanks.

- Moony

**

* * *

**

**To: My Most Hated Enemy**  
**From:**Lord Voldemort  
**Re: **Your Mmail

How did you get my Mmail address, Potter?

That aside, I would rather see you dead than ever ally with you. Either you are my minion or my enemy.

L.V.

**

* * *

**

**To: Ginny Weasley**  
**From:**Harry Potter  
**Re: **Fan Clubs

Ginny,

How COULD you? You know how I feel about celebrity. I didn't ask to be famous or want to be! I just want a normal life. I won't authorize a fan club. BUT, before you go ballistic and vengeful, how about a compromise.

It's been pointed out to me that if I have to go down in flames, let them be flames of glory. I will agree to a calendar publication as long as

a) They are professionally taken photographs

b) I have final approval; and

c) 25 of sales goes to a charity of my choice.

Agreed? Meet me tonight in the common room to discuss further.

Harry

**

* * *

**

**To: HP Fanclub, Hermione Granger**  
**From:**** Ginny**  
**Re: **The Calendar

Hold onto your hats, ladies. While we will not be an official fan club, Harry has agreed (with terms) to the production of the calendar.

That's right. We're getting our naked Harry after all. All 6.23 in. of him. (And as Lavender pointed out, that's an unexcited 6.23 in.!)

I met with Harry earlier this evening and we worked out some details. The photographer will be arranged by Harry and paid for by Harry.

Harry is asking that a 25 percent cut go to the St. Mungos Victims Unit. I think that very reasonable. He is also going to arrange to undercut production charges and legal fees for marketing.

Is this man a prince or what?

- Ginny

**

* * *

**

**To: Oliver Wood**  
**From:**Harry Potter  
**Re: **A Wild Little Idea

Listen, Oliver, this may sound nutters, but... I've got a plan.

Since the calendar can't be stopped, I'm making it into a charity thing. And, I'm arranging for professional photos.

What's this got to do with you? This. You're being mobbed by YOUR fans, right? While I won't pose WITH you, if you're gutsy enough to do this we can increase revenues (which are going to St. Mungos Victims Unit) and make us look less like victims, and more like celebrities in control of the situation.

What do you think?

- Harry

* * *

**To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**Oliver Wood  
**R****e:** Your Wild Little Idea 

You're completely stark raving nutters. You know that, right? That said, it's a ruddy brilliant plan. My dignity is gone, so why not make the descent into madness look planned.

I'm in. And, taking a wild guess at what you're going at, I've sent feelers out to other 'young studs' of the Quidditch Leagues. Krum's in too, if you're interested.

- Ollie  
"The Bigger Staff"

**

* * *

**

**To: Oliver Wood**  
**From:**Harry Potter  
**CC: **Viktor Krum  
**Re: **The Calendar

Gentlemen:

Welcome aboard. I've arranged for photographer, Ms. Sally Mann. A very controversial American photographer/artist that has been highly recommended to me by Charlie Weasley

The school has consented to allow us to use the grounds. At no charge, given the charity nature of the project.

If possible, I'd like to get the photos done before this bloody Quidditch match that I have to deal with. I want the market saturated with this product BEFORE the game as a distraction tactic.

How's Wednesday for you gents?

- Harry

P.S. Bigger Staff? snort Sorry, Ollie, we shared a locker room for too many years for THAT to wash. You're good. But you're not THAT good.

**

* * *

****To: Tommy**  
**From:**Harry  
**Re: **Minions 

Quite okay, Old Chap.

I'll just take over.

- HP

**

* * *

****To: Gryffindor Quidditch Team**  
**From:**Your Seeker  
**Re: **The Game 

Ladies and Bastards,

I want you to be aware of some of my recent... business ventures. First, my unofficial fan-clubs plans for the calendar. You will be pleased to know that no photographs will be taken during the game.

All of the especially charmed Omnioculars (charm TM of my good friend Hermione Granger) have been given into my custody.

Secondly, a professional photographer will be visiting the school on Wednesday, and I have reluctantly agreed to go this route. Joining me for this calendar, although not at the same time or on the same page, necessarily, will be Oliver Wood (I'll pause for your gasps) and Victor Krum.

I realize that the Unholy Duo will be racing off at the mouth with this news, and I should forewarn them... I've already informed the Prophet, plugging the charity aspect of this venture.

25 percent of the proceeds for sale of the bloody calendar will be going to St. Mungos Victims Unit.

I may have to go out there starkers, and I may have to put up with the slurs of the Slytherins and the giggles of my peers for the next two years, but by damn I'll have this mess enhance my reputation and not humiliate me.

As a good friend pointed out, "When you got it, flaunt it."

Ladies, with unabashed candor: You've got it.

Bastards, we're gonna make you look BAD.

And lastly, I have heard the rumors of an alliance between Voldemort and myself. I realize that I made the threat first. Be assured, there will NEVER be an alliance between Voldemort and I.

The Seeker

**

* * *

**

**To: Harry Potter**  
**From:**Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **The Photos

Harry, I've been thinking, can this photographer create an allusion to nudity without the full monty?

- Ginny

* * *

**To: Ginny Weasley**  
**From:**Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: The Photos 

Why, Ginny...

Don't you want my full monty anymore?

Harry

* * *

**To: Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **The Full Monty 

Only if it's for a private showing. Very private.

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Ron Weasley**  
CC:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re:The Full Monty 

HARRY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MAKING A PASS AT MY SISTER LIKE THAT?!

There will be no showings, private or otherwise, exclusive or whatnot of any Monty to my sister!

And Ginny... watch your language, or I'm telling Mum!

- Ron

* * *

**To: The Prat**  
**From:**His Sister  
**CC: **Harry Potter, Mum  
**Re: **Montage 

Dear Ron:

First, what are you doing snooping through Harry's sent files and trash? The mmails I send, or he sends me are none of your business.

Second, regarding the CALENDAR, Mum knows about it. I told her myself like I promised Harry. And, she said it was very ingenious, but I should have taken Harry's feelings into consideration.

So, stuff it. And by the way, look up the word _montage_. You know, the library isn't an evil place.

Your vengeful little sister,

Ginny

**

* * *

****To: Potter**  
**From:** Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!  
**Re: **Re: Minions 

Are you threatening ME?

-LV

* * *

**To: TOMMY!!!**  
**From:** Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Re: Minions 

Why, yes! Now that you ask.

Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?

- Harry

_"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!  
__I DiD, I DiD  
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort" _

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Susan Bones  
**Re:** The Calendar 

Ginny, the Daily Prophet said Harry, Oliver Wood and Viktor Crum are ALL posing for the Calendar. Apparently, the photographer is a top-notch American woman and the shoot is to be sometime this week on Hogwarts grounds.

Do you know any more? Will we be able to WATCH the photo-sessions? Just to ensure accuracy, mind you. Even if Harry has said he's generously proportioned, wouldn't you like to validate that?

Sassy

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Fwd:** Re: The Calendar 

Hermione, I'd go ask Ron, but my big brother is over-sensitive about this subject. Do you know where they are doing the photos or how security is going to be done? I'm not asking to get a sneak-advance peak, but... well, that would be nice... still, I'm more concerned that Hogwarts Femmes will try and swarm the photo-area.

Somehow, I don't think Harry will ever forgive me if that happens, and I really quite frankly DON'T want any other woman fondling his bits.

- Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Fwd: Re: The Calendar 

GINNY! Do you MIND? That's one of my best friends you're mentally molesting! I feel quite rightly nauseous!

HG

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar 

Excuse me, oh she who snuck pictures of my own brother in the buff? No matter, I'll just go talk with Ron...

G

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**BCC:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Re: Re: Fwd: Re: The Calendar 

Gin,

I'm dying here. Do stop. The Photoshoot is Wednesday. Dumbledore and Flitwick are providing charms to shield the area, and Sally is using a very special professional camera.

If you want to come to the shoot, that's fine. There are charms being placed on Ollie, Viktor and myself so that only the camera sees us... err... you know.

Your brother is coming down with three dragons, we're doing a shot of "Quidditch" with us riding dragons. (Don't ask. Please? Apparently, it's a campaign for the more-humane-treatment-of-fantastic-beasts.) The dragons are enough of a spectacle to keep peoples eyes off of my chums, and me don't you think?

And please, don't go spreading that news to my UNauthorized fan club? And Hermione? You're the one with the pics of Ron? You do know it's driving him UTTERLY insane to figure out, right? I mean, rightly nutters! What were you thinking?

- HP

_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Those damned pictures 

I am NOT discussing this with either of you. And if EITHER of you tell Ron, I'll make sure he knows about the full content of your discussion two nights past.

- Hermione

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger-Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**CC:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Those damned pictures 

My, my... hostile aren't you? Go ahead, tell Ron. I wonder what will distress him more, the candid nature of Ginny and my conversation about the calendar, or your subversive acquisition of a series of nude photos of HIM.

I'm given, from my sources, to understand such pictures were obtained from the men's locker room. That means you used MY invisibility cloak. And, if others were to find out, well... the outrage would know no bounds, Ms. Prefect!

- HP

_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Have I mentioned? 

I think I utterly love you... that was sheer genius! As for the photo-shoot, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I do appreciate the spells being cast and will respectfully keep my distance. Do you suppose I'd be able to talk to Ms. Mann? I'd love to learn more about photography... without actually touching or looking through her camera, you understand.

Ginny **

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**CC:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Those damned pictures 

That's blackmail Potter!

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger-Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**CC:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Those damned pictures 

Does look that way, doesn't it?

Kiss, kiss.  
HP

_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Have I mentioned? 

lol I'll talk to my friend who put me in touch with Sally. Perhaps after we guys are... done... and properly attired again you can have time to interview with her. The pictures will be ready almost immediately, and as I said, I get first right of refusal for the calendar layout.

Has the rest of the design been done?

- Harry

_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re:** Stuff 

Err, Harry... listen, mate... you're scaring us. And why is Ginny grinning at us every time she sees us?  
F&G

**

* * *

****To:** **Fred & George Weasley**  
**From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Stuff 

Ginny's on the inside track. As for your fears: I've only just begun.

HP

_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Ask you how? 

What do you mean you "Mocked Voldemort"? Doesn't everyone?  
_Gin _

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Ask you how? 

No, I actually "mocked" Voldemort.

Hey, Gin... how would you feel about being my right hand when I conquer Voldemort and take over the Death Eaters? Create a new regime of utter evil. You're a Weasley, you've proven to be devious and ingenious... and you have past history in this area.

Whattaya think?

As for the mocking:  
_"I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort  
I DiD, I DiD  
I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"_

HP  
_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Ginny  
**Re:** You DIDN'T?! 

Harry! You DIDN'T?!

- Ginny

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: You DIDN'T?! 

I did. Why? What's the worst he can do? Jump up and down shrieking "Kill him! Kill him!"?

- HP

_I Mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

**

**To: Lucius Malfoy  
From:** Lord Voldemort  
**FW:** Re: Re: Minions

Malfoy!

KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

Your Lord & Master,  
Voldemort

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Red Right Hand 

Good point. Here's a thought... want to have a series of T-Shirts or robes made up with the "I Tink I Taw" emblazoned on the back? It'd send Moldiemort through the roof!

-Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Have I Mentioned? 

I think I love you.

Who do you have that can pull such a project off?

HP  
_I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Fred & George  
**Re:** What are you doing? 

With our sister? She's just come to us with an offer. If we produce a series of robes that shimmer the following phrase:

_"I Tink I Taw a Bid Bad Moldiemort  
I DiD, I DiD  
I DiD Tee a Bid Bad Moldiemort"_,

and if we do it at our cost, it will reduce the vengeance we're currently experiencing. Err, Harry, that shrinking potion will wear off in a week, right?

- G&F

**

* * *

****To: Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Have I mentioned 

You are SO good.

HP  
_I Mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how! _

**

* * *

****To: Fred & George Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: What are you doing? 

Ginny and I are launching a very lucrative business relationship. And, as for the shrinking spell that depends ENTIRELY on you two.

- HP

_I Mocked Voldemort  
As me how! _

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Gred & Forge  
**Re:** Robes 

How many do you want?  
Traitor

Your Brothers

**

* * *

****To: Gred & Forge  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**BCC:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Robes 

You give me 25,000 units by week's end, with a reserve for another 25,000 after the next match, and I'll provide you with the antidote to your "little" problem.

- Ginny

**

* * *

****To: Lee Jordan**  
**From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re:** Problem Fixed 

Our sister is in cahoots with Potter. Downside: We have to produce some robes that openly make fun of Voldemort. We're still hoping we can make some sort of profit off this deal (WWW).

Upside, the sooner we produce 25,000 units the sooner our masculine glory is restored to us. So, stop researching potions, and get ready to sew, man.

US Not THEM.

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From:** Lord Voldemort  
**Re:** Robes 

What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?  
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?

- Voldemort


	4. Chapter 4

**_Naked Quidditch Match - Four Parts of Mischief_**

**To: Harry Potter  
From:** Lord Voldemort  
**Re:** Robes

What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?  
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?

- Voldemort

**

* * *

****To: Fred & George Weasley  
From:** Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
**Re:** Moldiemort Robes 

Mssrs. Weasley:

Could I request an additional three hundred units of your most excellent robes? Please send the invoice to The Registrar, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I will need the robes in the following sizes:

Small - 50 units  
Medium - 150 units  
Large - 100 units

Thank you kindly,  
Albus Dumbledore

**

* * *

****To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From:** Gred & Forge  
**Re:** Re: Moldiemort Robes 

Sir,

In as much as we would like to take credit for the ingenious robes, I'm afraid that they are not of our product line. Our traitorous little sister has formed a most unholy and evil alliance with the Boy-Who-Mocked-Voldemort.

We will, of course, forward your request to the Evil Duo.

Regards,

Little Gred & Forge Weasley

**

* * *

****To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Moldiemort Robes 

Professor! What a most excellent name for the robes! In discussing with my CEW, we would be most happy to donate the 300 units to your cause.

Ginny Weasley  
_President, Moldiemort Inc_  
_A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide _

**

* * *

****To: Moldiemort  
From:** Harry Potter  
**BCC:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** The Robes 

You want the Moldiemort Robes off sale? Swear allegiance to me as your Lord and Master and serve as my left hand and we'll see.

- HP  
Chief Executive Wizard, Moldiemort Inc  
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: The Robes 

WHAT? You're going to make him your Left Hand?!

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Re: The Robes 

I'm right-handed, Gin.

CEW, Moldiemort Inc.  
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: The Robes 

Oh. blush Good point.

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Things 

Harry... first off, I'm trying very hard not to flip out. I'm given to understand from my "belittled" brothers that you and Ginny are teaming in a business affair. Okay, let's be honest, I take EVERYTHING those two say with a firm twist of salt. You and Ginny? Teaming? AFFAIR?

What the hell's going on? If you and my baby sister are... you know... I'm going to kill you!

- Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Ron Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Things 

You git!

We've talked about this before! I sleep in the bloody same DORM as you. Why are you Mmailing me about all this?

- HP

I mocked Voldemort  
Ask me how!

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Things 

Because I don't want to punch your bloody eyes out if you've not snogged my sister. And what do you mean YOU mocked You-Know-Who?

**

* * *

****To:** **Ron Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Things 

Excuse me, but it's MY innocence you should be worried for. YOUR sister is a dangerous woman. Please note, she founded a very large (unauthorized) fan club, she proposed and found ways and people to prepare a calendar with images from the bloody game against Slytherin. You know the one, the one I have to prance around naked in?

That woman would jump my bones if I were not keeping watch out for my own safety! Somehow, I don't think I'm the predator, here, boyo!

As for Voldie...did you see the article on the front page of the Daily Prophet? THAT is Gin and my business relationship.

- HP

CEW, Moldiemort Inc.  
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Your brother

I've taken a stance with your brother in order to:

keep my nose unbroken, and

get him off my back.

And, before you get wind of the details in my attempt to ward off a black eye let me provide some truths. Ginny, you are a very scary determined woman. I've always known this, but in the past two days of our business association, it's become clearer than ever that I could not wish for anyone better to aid me in my conquest of the Dark Wizards of the world.

- Harry

CEW, Moldiemort Inc.  
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ron  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Re: Things 

Oh. See, that's why I Mmailed you rather than you know, punch first and ask questions after.

Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Your Brother 

Oh, that's so sweet Harry. You're making me blush.

By the by, _I_ am a predator?

Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley**  
**From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Re: Your Brother 

Oh yes. Most definitely a predator.

Harry

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger**  
**From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Harry and Ginny 

Nuthin's going on. I asked Harry. They're the ones behind the Moldiemort Robes, that's all. huh I wonder if this means Ginny's making some money off of the deal?

- Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley**  
**From:** Hermione Granger  
Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny 

I see you've successfully bamboozled your brother(s).

HG

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger**  
**From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Fwd: Re: Harry and Ginny 

Oh, no. That was all my liege lord and master's doing.  
-G

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley**  
**From:** Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
**Re:** Re: The Robes 

Ms Weasley,  
Your generous offer would be most appreciated.

Dumbledore

**

* * *

****To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress**  
**From:** Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
**Re:** The Moldiemort Robes 

Minerva,  
I expect delivery of the robes early tomorrow. They are quite spiffing.

- Albus

**

* * *

****To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster**  
**From:** M. McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re:** Re: The Moldiemort Robes 

If they don't get us all killed.

Minerva

**

* * *

****To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress**  
**From:** Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
**Re:** Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes 

Oh, come now, my dear McGonagall. What is the absolute worst Voldemort could do? Jump up and down shrieking: "Kill Them, Kill Them!"?

Besides, they are a snazzy looking item. I'm quite taken with the robes! They make a statement about Voldemort that empowers people against him.

- Albus

**

* * *

****To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From:** Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes 

You know, Albus, it's all fun and games until someone gets the Killing Curse flung at them.

Minerva

**

* * *

****To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From:** Severus Snape  
**Re:** Last Meeting of the Death Eaters. 

The old boy is definitely off his rocker. He spent most of the meeting jumping up and down shrieking "Kill them! Kill them!"

By the way, do you know that Potter has Voldemort's owl-address? In the middle of a meeting an unmarked owl dropped off a package of Moldiemort Robes. I'm afraid the gift wasn't well received.

Sev

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter**  
**From:** Oliver Wood  
**Re:** Picture Day 

Tomorrow's the day, eh mate? Krum and I have been fiends in the gym.

You seen any of those amazing robes around Hogwarts? I suppose that's Fred & George's little game. D'ya suppose I can get my hands on one? They're selling out like hotcakes!

- Oliver

**

* * *

****To:** **Oliver Wood  
From:** Harry  
**Re:** Re: Picture Day 

No problem, mate. A robe will be here and waiting for both you and Krum.

See you in the morning. BTW, Ginny Weasley will be around during the shoot, but I'm assured that the "no-disclosure" charms will keep our dignity intact.

Harry

CEW, Moldiemort Inc.  
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Oliver Wood  
**Re:** Re: Re: Picture Day 

Ginny Weasley, huh?

- Ollie

**

* * *

****To:** **George & Fred  
From:** Oliver Wood  
**Re:** Harry and Ginny 

So, they finally hooked up, huh?  
And you let him live. I'd have never guessed that.

- Oliver

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Fred and George Weasley, Big Brothers  
**Re:** Your unhealthy relationship with our sister 

Potter:

It has come to our attention that your relationship with Ginny is not exclusively businesslike.

If you touch her at all, we will hunt you down and hex you until you're a walking advertisement for every product of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

Sincerely,  
F. & G. Weasley

**

* * *

****To:** **Charlie Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Fwd:** Re: Your unhealthy relationship with our sister 

Charlie:

I don't suppose you're bringing along any HUNGRY dragons with you? I know a few prats who could definitely be filling.

-HP

CEW, Moldiemort Inc.  
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Lord Voldemort  
**Re:** Your Terms 

I HATE you Potter!

Lord Voldemort

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Charlie Weasley  
**Re:** In-Ter-esting 

Hey, are you snogging my little sister? It's not that the family disapproves of you, you know. Mum would be THRILLED to have you as a son-in-law, eventually.

The problem is the wagers going around the Wizarding World. Ginny's unrequited adoration of you isn't quite a secret, y'know. There's some serious money involved now as to whether or not she'll nail you down.

- Charlie

**

* * *

****To:** **Charlie Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: In-Ter-esting 

You're NOT serious!  
HP

**

* * *

****To:** **Lord Moldiemort  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Your Terms 

So, that's a "no"? That's okay, it's far more FUN this way.

BTW, Dumbledore's just ordered 300 Moldiemort Robes. Gee, I wonder what he wants them for? Hope you liked yours!

Hugs and Kisses,

Your Mortal Enemy

_There once was a stinker named Voldie  
His breath, it smelled kinda moldy  
He's oh-so greedy  
He's tried to kill me  
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y_

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Charlie Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: In-Ter-esting 

Dead serious. So? Are you snogging my sister? Do I need to change my bets?

- Charlie

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Molly Weasley  
**Re:** Daily Prophet 

Harry,

According to the Prophet your girlfriend "Ginevra Weasley" will be attending the photo-shoot.

Anything you'd care to explain, dear?

-Molly

* * *

**To:** **Charlie Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting 

You put in a BET that your own sister would snog me?

CHARLIE! I'm appalled! Your own sister?!

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Charlie Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: In-Ter-esting 

You HAVE met my sister, haven't you Harry? You don't stand a chance.

- Charlie

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Your Mother  
**Re:** Daily Prophet 

Ginny,

Hi dear. I hope you're doing well. How are your classes? Things have certainly been busy around here. I scarcely get time to sit down and read the Prophet in the morning over a cuppa.

Somehow, however, I do find time. In fact, just this morning I read a fascinating article in the Daily Prophet about the Harry Potter 2003 calendar. It's so nice to see all the serious effort you kids are putting into making this a classy affair. And, I think it's wonderful that Harry's giving all that money to the St. Mungo's Victims Unit.

However, the article seems to have made an innocent gaffe. Apparently, you're going to be at the shoot as Harry's girlfriend. Isn't that funny?

Tell, me, dear. Is there anything you'd care to share with Mummy?

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Oh, shoot! 

My goose is so cooked. Have you SEEN the Prophet?

Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Re: Oh, shoot! 

Yes. Yes I have.  
Just what are your plans for Harry?

-HG

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re: Re: Oh, shoot! 

Well. I was thinking of seducing him.

Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Re: Re: Re: Oh, shoot! 

WHAT?!

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Lunch 

Hey little sister,

How about meeting me for a nice big brother little sister lunch today in Hogsmeade?

Since the photo-shoot is today, and most of us have the Hogsmeade trip to go to while Harry and crew strips down to do their thing, I thought we should reconnect. We don't do things together often enough, do we?

- Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Ginny 

Have you seen my sister today? Tried to Mmail her for a lunch get-together and she's not yet picked up her mail or been seen. Any idear where she's at?

-Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Ron Weasley  
From:** Hermione Granger  
**Re:** Ginny 

I have an idea. Yes. Tell you when we get to Hogsmeade.

-Hermione

**

* * *

****To:** **Fred & George Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re:** Harry. Ginny 

Is it just me, or is it suspicious that on the day that Harry's doing the photo-shoot for Naked Quidditch Calendar, that our little sister has gone missing?

- Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Ron  
From:** F&G  
**Re:** Re: Harry. Ginny 

Bugger.

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**_Naked Quidditch Match - Fifth Time Around_**

**To:** **Ron  
From:** F&G  
**Re:** Re: Harry. Ginny

Bugger.

**

* * *

****To:** **Gryffindor Tower (All)  
From:** Fred & George Weasley  
**Re:** Our Little Sister 

URGENT: Anyone seen Ginny?

**

* * *

**

**To: Fred & George Weasley  
From: **Ron  
**Re: **Re: Our Little Sister

Well?

**

* * *

**

**To: Ickle Ronniekins  
From: **Fred & George Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Re: Our Little Sister

Nothing. Nada. Zip.

She's probably in Hogsmeade already. Yeah. Like a regular Weasley would, leading us on to think she's snogging Harry, when actually she's laughing her ass off at us.

She'd do that to us.

-F&G

**

* * *

**

**To: Fred & George Weasley  
From: **Ron  
**Re: Re: **Re: Re: Re: Our Little Sister

Delusional, much?

Think back, dear brothers, to our sister's FIRST Valentines Day at Hogwarts.

Now, tell me, if you were Ginny, what would YOU do?

Drive your brothers insane with innuendo

Snog Harry, and drive your brothers insane.

Well?

-Ron

**

* * *

****To: Fred & George Weasley  
From: **Lee Jordan  
**Re: **Re: Our Little Sister 

Just popped by the area of the photo shoot. Very secure, and Dumbledore himself said that only authorized people are allowed in, to protect Harry and crew's dignity.

Tell me, what kind of dignity can a man have if his bits are being splattered across hundreds of thousands of calendars for sales worldwide?

What am I missing?

-Lee

**

* * *

**

**To: Lee Jordan  
From: **Fred & George Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Re: Our Little Sister

Just a guess, but probably another 2 in.

- Gred & Forge

**

* * *

**

**To: Harry Potter  
From: **Snuffles the Adorable Grim  
**CC: **Mooney  
**Re: **Photo-Daze

So, Harry, how'd it go?

**

* * *

**

**To: Snuffles  
From: **R. Lupin  
**CC: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Photo-Daze

They only just started taking pictures, you git. It's scarcely past morning tea. I expect this will be a near full day for Harry.

But, that's beside the point… the "Adorable Grim"? What kind of flowers ARE you sniffing?

-Remus

**

* * *

**

**To: Moony  
From: **Snuffles the Adorable Grim  
**CC: **My Godson  
**Re: **Re: Re: Photo-Daze

What? I'm a cute dog. I have it on good authority!

Harry-- I'm not at all frightening, am I? I mean, I'm lovable as a stray mutt, right?

- Snuffles

**

* * *

**

**To: Snuffles  
From: **R. Lupin  
**CC:** Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze

You're the size of a small pony, and you think you're a cuddly little fluff-ball? Obviously your meals have been laced with something lately.

- Remus

**

* * *

**

**To: Moony  
From: **Snuffles**  
CC: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **PMS, Much?

Let me guess, it's that time of the month for you?

- Snuffles

**

* * *

**

**To: Remus Lupin, Snuffles  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: PMS, Much?

Kids, each to your corner. I'm on lunch break and at the rate your going, my Mmailbox will start sending me Howlers.

Snuffles: Ginny says that you're an adorable animal when you're clean. Since the last time you had a bath you were a free man...

Remus: Don't taunt the dog. He's not had his shots.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm prancing around in little more than a towel, I've just wolfed down some food. (No pun intended, Remus), and I'm off to do the dragon shot. Once today's done, I'm going down to Hogsmeade and getting utterly plastered on Butterbeers and Firewhiskey. Only then do I think I'll be able to blot out the memory of this day.

How DO I get myself into these situations?

Harry

_I mocked Voldemorter  
Ask me how!_ _

* * *

_**To: Harry Potter  
From: **Snuffles  
**CC:** Moony  
**Re: **Re: PMS, Much? 

Hey, Harry,

How did you mock Voldemort?

**

* * *

****To: Snuffles  
From: **Harry Potter  
**CC:** Moony  
**Re: **Re:Re: PMS, Much? 

My last Mmail, then I'm back to posing all nekkid and stuff.

First, I sent my beloved enemy:

_"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!_**  
**_I DiD, I DiD  
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort!"_

Most recently, however:

_"There once was a stinker named Voldie_**  
**_His breath, it smelled kinda moldy  
He's oh-so greedy  
He's tried to kill me  
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y"_

I'm thinking about doing a book of poems: _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_.

Snazzy title, hmm?

- Harry

_I Mocked Voldemort  
__Ask me how!_

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From: **Remus Lupin  
**CC:** Snuffles  
**Re: **Mockeries of a Dark Lord 

If that doesn't kill him, I don't know what will.

- Moony

**

* * *

****To: Harry Potter  
From: **Snuffles  
**CC:** Moony  
**Re: **Re:Re: Re: PMS, Much? 

sniffle -- I love you kid. Really. Can I have an autographed copy?

Snuffles the Sniffling

**

* * *

**

**To: Harry Potter  
From: **Lord Voldemort  
**Re: **Re:Re: Your Terms

I loathe you Potter.

L.V.

* * *

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Your Brothers  
**Re: **Today 

Where are you?

To: My Brothers **

* * *

****To: Prats United  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re:Today 

Obviously somewhere else. Mum says "Hi!"

-Ginny

**

* * *

**

**To: Ron  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Re:Lunch

Ron, what a lovely idea. I only wish I had received this Mmail say, yesterday. I've got plans today, brother dear, including lunch with Mum.

Maybe next time?

- Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter Fans  
From: **The President of the Unofficial Harry Pottery Fanclub  
**Re: **The Calendar 

Photos have been going VERY well. The photographer is quite excellent, and the poses are simply stunning.

This calendar will be our BEST piece ever! The Harry Potter morning-wakeup call is peanuts next to this!

My sincerest thanks to all contributors for their artistic work, their quotations and more in putting this project together. It is a tribute to our love for our hero, and a fine statement to his sexiness.

With that in mind, it is with great regret that I resign from my position as President of Harry's fan club. This club represents some of the best years I've had at Hogwarts. I wish you much success in future endeavors.

-Ginny Weasley

**

* * *

****To:** **Lord Moldiemort  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: Your Terms 

Love you too!

HP 

_"There once was a restored Dark Wizard_  
_Whose fondness for otheres rested only in lizards  
He was such a drag  
That his conquest was bagged  
And now he's just stranded out in a lonely blizzard"_

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Ginny  
From: **Ron  
**Re:** Re: Lunch

I wish I'd known Mum and you were meeting for lunch. Next time, I WILL remember to Mmail a day before.

Thanks, Gin. We were all worried that you were hanging off of Harry while he's prancing around in the buff.

- Ron

* * *

**To:** **Ron Weasley  
From: **Charlie Weasley  
**Re:** Hey, you...

Why weren't you around for the photo-shoot? You could have had lunch with Mum, Ginny and I. Harry, understandably, made himself scarce for lunch. I'm amazed he's doing this with all the dignity he's shown thus far.

The charms to protect the guys modesty are fantastic. It seriously looks like they're wearing the Moldiemort robes. Very cool. And, as for Harry, Sally says the camera is reporting him very deliciously. Poor git.

- Charlie

**

* * *

**

**To: Charlie Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Hey, you...

GINNY WAS WITH YOU AT THE PHOTO SHOOT?

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Fred & George Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**FW: **Hey, you...

Ginny was out gallivanting around with her nekkid hero. So much for her presumed innocence. Someone find a unicorn, hmm?

- Ron

* * *

**To:** **Susan Bones  
From:** Lavender Brown  
**Re: **Ginny's quitting! 

Word is, Ms. Weasley was snogging with Harry at the photo-shoot. I wonder if she managed to check out those measurements for accuracy?

Lavender

* * *

**To:** **Parvati Patil  
From:** Padma Patil  
**Re: **Ginny's Quitting! 

Rumor has it she and Harry were seen snogging on the Quidditch Pitch... and he was 'dressed' for the photos! That might explain her sudden retirement, yes?

Your Sister

* * *

**To:** **Colin Creevey  
From:** Padma Patil  
**Re: **Ginny 

Bad luck, squirt. Ginny IS involved with Harry. I guess this entire upcoming game has made him see her in a new light. Go figure. I thought HE was the one all exposed.

- Padma

**

* * *

****To:** **Neville Longbottom  
From: **Colin Creevey  
**Re: **Ginny & Harry 

Who's going to tell HER brothers?

- Colin

**

* * *

****To:** **Colin Creevey  
From: **Neville & Trevor  
**Re: **Re: Ginny & Harry 

Tell her brothers WHAT?!

Nev

* * *

**To:** **Neville Longbottom  
From: **Colin Creevey  
**Re: **Re:Ginny & Harry 

Oops. Harry and Ginny were getting it on on the Quidditch Pitch earlier today.

- Colin

* * *

**To:** Colin Creevey  
**From: **Neville & Trevor  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: Ginny & Harry 

NO WAY! I am certainly not brave enough to tell ANY of the Weasley's THAT one!

I like my nose unbroken!

Nev

* * *

**To:** **Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas  
From: **Neville & Trevor  
**Re: **Watch your P & Q's 

Apparently, Harry has finally noticed the fair Weasley demoiselle. That means war between him and Ron once the Weasley's all find out about what was happening on the Quidditch pitch today.

Neville

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Dean Thomas  
**Re: **YOU and GINNY? 

Hey, man... just heard the news. Congrats. So, just how "get it on" did you "get it on" at the Quidditch Pitch today?

Dean

P.S. Ron will NEVER hear about this from me! It's in Gringotts, man.

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Padma Patil  
**Re: **YOU and HARRY! 

Oh my GOSH! I just heard about YOU and Harry! And on the Quidditch Pitch! So, tell me, is he all of those 13 centimeters? And, what DOES he look like under those robes?

You lucky girl! See, dreams DO come true!

- Padma

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **The Quidditch Pitch 

According to various people, I'm given to understand I jumped you or you jumped ME on the Quidditch Pitch. Where was I when this was going on?

Ginny

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** The now-attired Harry Potter  
**Re:** Re:The Quidditch Pitch 

Damned if I know. The only thing that involves the world "on," "jump," and "Quidditch Pitch" that involves me and today was a dragon or three. Any other less bodily damaging activities seem to have passed me by entirely.

You do realize if your brothers get wind of the rumor mill, the Harry Potter Nekkid calendar will be produced posthumously. I hope you can put a good word in at my funeral.

-HP

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Posthumous 

Seems a pity, then... you going to your grave for snogging me (or more) and never having done the deed. Seems to me if you're going to be accused for something and judged you should at least have the fun of having committed the 'crime'.

- Ginny

* * *

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Posthumous 

You busy tonight?

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**_Naked Quidditch Match - Six Times the Fun_**

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Posthumous

You busy tonight?

**

* * *

****To:** **Gryffindor Quidditch Team  
From:** Your Captains  
**Re: **Today's Game 

Ladies and Gents:

McGonagall recommends we meet in her office an hour before game time. She wants to ensure that the protection spells are on rightly, and read us a riot act. As well, she and Flitwick will escort us to the lockers safe from the prying eyes of Harry's adoring fans.

In other news, every Bludger will be aimed towards the Seeker for his snogging with our little sister.

Hugs & Kisses  
(Or Slobbers & Gropes)

- Gred & Forge Weasley  
Captains, Gryffindor House Team Extraordinaire.

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Katie Bell  
**FWD: ** Today's Game 

Sick 'em, babe. They're threatening your man.

**

* * *

****To:** **Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**CC:** Ron Weasley  
**Re: **Fwd: Today's Game

Dear Prats: 

Pray tell, how could Harry grope, snog or whatnot with me with our Mother and elder brother (Charlie) around? If you can explain this mystery to me, I'd be most delighted. Especially since I seem to be the person missing out on all the fun of said sexual mischief.

Oh, and if a single Bludger heads Harry's way, as directed by any one of my siblings, I'll make your life a living hell. First, with a conversation with Mum, and then in usual Weasley style. Apparently, the corrective potion for your 'little' problem gave you some big brassy balls. These too can be removed. Surgically.

Ever your loving, if vengeful sister,

Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game 

Running behind Ginny's skirts, eh?

**

* * *

****To:** **Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Today's Game 

You poor saps. I think, in your quest to feel outraged over nothing, you've forgotten:

a) You put us in this predicament of a naked game.

b) The girls want your hide.

Don't look to me for blame. The ladies of our team aren't peeved at me, so if they choose to protect my interests...shrug. Of course, the way I see it, they've chosen to protect the school assets. As for your sister, Ginny's just instituting her rights to be protective of her potential claim.

What can I say, gentlemen? I have already sold 1.2 million calendars, sight unseen. I have a field of Aurors out there (all female) to watch for... deviant game plays. Why would I run to Ginny for protection?

Harry

* * *

**To:** **Fred and George Weasley  
From:** Ron Weasley  
**Re: **Idiots

Do stop before you get us all killed.

- RW

**

* * *

****To:** **Katie Bell, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet  
From: **Humble and Pie  
**Re: **We're sorry 

Dear ladies,

We're very sorry for the horrid position we've put you in.

Honest.

Please don't kill us out there.

- F&G

**

* * *

****To:** **Full o' !#$  
From: **Katie Bell  
**Re: **Re: We're sorry 

Fred, George:

After six years of playing with you two, and what feels like centuries of knowing the pair of you, you don't think we're stupid enough to take that little last minute dig-out-of-your-grave seriously, do you?

For the record, Alicia spoke with Harry in the common room. He's howling with laughter, just keeled over and dying laughing at the stupidity of the pair of you. Honestly, given the security going on yesterday and the way he's run from your sister's overtures of adoration before, whatever gave you the idea that they were snogging during the 'shoot yesterday?

-The Girls

**

* * *

****To:** **Katie Bell  
From: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Re: We're Sorry 

It's all Lee's fault.

**

* * *

****To:** **Fred and George Weasley****  
From: **Katie Bell  
**CC: **Lee Jordan  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: We're Sorry 

Right. And we'll be sure to let HIM know of that.

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Lee Jordan  
**Re: **What the?

I stood by you prats! I've defended you, supported you, researched potions (blah!) for you, and took risks for you! And THIS is how you repay my loyalty!

Just remember, old boys. While you're out there PLAYING today, I'm the one in the commentator's booth. And I'll GET you for this.

- Lee

* * *

**To:** **Gryffindor Quidditch Team  
From: **Your Captains  
**Re: **The Game

We had a second thought. Want to concede the game?

**

* * *

****To:** **Our Captains  
From: **The Girls  
**CC: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: The Game 

Oh, HELL no!

**

* * *

****To:** **My Dear Captains  
From: **Harry Potter  
**CC: **The Girls  
**Re: **Re: The Game 

Perish the thought! Gryffindor concede to the Slytherins? What WOULD Oliver say?!

- HP

* * *

**To:** **Our Family  
From: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Our Last Will and Testament  
**Attach: **GFwill.doc (30 K)

Dear Family:

We're doomed. Please find attached our Last Will & Testament. Think kind thoughts of us at our funeral, if there's enough of us left to bury.

F&G

**

* * *

****To:** **Lord Voldemort  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Our Last Mmail

Hey, Tom, 

Haven't heard from you lately. Hope you're keeping okay. How are my Death Eaters? I've got a bit of a big match to play today, but I intend to come down with my Second In Command and inspect the troops shortly after.

Just to keep you up-to-date on my modus operandi:

a) Take over the Ministry  
b) Imprison all Opponents in Azkaban (that's you, Tom)  
c) Insert my new world order

Please insert a physical exercise regimen for the troops. And, I'd like IQ testing done. I need people with quick reflexes and quicker wits. All others will join you in Azkaban.

Hugs & Kisses,

Harry

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Moldie 

Haven't heard from ol' Tom lately. I suspect he's planning to attack today's match.

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Moldie 

I'll take care of that. I think a stadium full of Moldiemort robes, and the advertisements for _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_ on the Wizard-view will be enough to throw him off his game. But, just in case, I'll see about having Charlie get those three dragons fly about on a patrol sweep.

- G

* * *

**To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Lord Voldemort**  
****Attach:** mockads.zip (100 K)

Professor:

As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Robes, and our newest product _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_ due for release in hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of Moldie with his unhygienic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.

Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like to make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any problems.

A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frustration, possibly throwing him off _his_ game.  
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_, will also cause him much emotional grief.  
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sweeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the Death Eaters to apparate with structure.

Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the above are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma that should give us an advantage.

Best regards,

G. Weasley

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

**_Naked Quidditch Match - 7 Minutes to Game_**

**To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**Re:** Lord Voldemort  
**Attach:** mockads.zip (100 K)

Professor:

As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Robes, and our newest product _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_ due for release in hardcover next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of Moldie with his unhygenic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.

Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like to make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any problems.

A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frustration, possibly throwing him off _his_ game.  
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_, will also cause him much emotional grief.  
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sweeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for the Death Eaters to apparate with structure.

Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the above are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma that should give us an advantage.

Best regards,

G. Weasley

* * *

**To:** **Lucius Malfoy  
From:** The Dark Lord of Sith  
**Re:** Potter 

Malfoy, I expect your attendance upon me within the hour. A situation has arisen that requires immediate attention. Potter has decided to branch further into other marketing aspects of our conflict, and yet no licensing authority has come from my lawyers.

I want this boy STOPPED! He's making a fool of us all!

Lord Voldemort**  
**Dark Wizard  
Grand Order of Sith

* * *

**To: Lestrange-at-Azkaban**  
**From: **Lucius Malfoy  
**Re: **"Dark Lord of Sith" 

The old boy has been watching the "Star Wars" trilogy again. Damn Muggles. It's obviously rattled his brains some more. Now he's the "Dark Lord of Sith" If he starts wearing a black shiny mass and breathing heavy, I'm outta here.

Anyway, we have a small legal situation on the horizon. Problem being, our Master has killed off all the lawyers we've hired to represent him. Any suggestions?

Good luck with the Dementors! Hope you've got that drool problem under control.

- Lucky

* * *

**To:** **Lord Voldemort  
From:** Lucius Malfoy  
**Re:** Re: Potter 

Master, I have made some inquiries with regards to the legal ramifications. We could put a block on any future merchandise sales, but to do this, you MUST NOT KILL OFF THE LAWYERS! At least, not the ones who are representing your cause.

Please Master, I know they're all annoying evil gits, but... just this once, please don't just A-K them immediately upon their fee statement!

Ever your loyal and obedient servant,

- Lucius Malfoy

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Severus Snape / Potions Master  
**Re: **Merchandising 

Potter:

The Dark Lord is hiring a lawyer to block all sales of your product line. FYI.

- Professor Snape

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**CC: **Severus Snape / Potions Master**  
FW: **Re: Merchandising 

Ginny, I've contacted Legal, and they are pretty sure they can counter any block Moldiemort tries to put in place. They recommend, however, we avoid any physical characterizations of Ol' Tom, and ensure that we do not list "Lord Voldemort" by name in any of our reproductions to ensure consistency.

I assured them this wasn't a problem. So, in that vein, could you remove the last sonnet in "Mockeries of a Dark Lord" before it goes to print? And are we almost ready to release the calendar for sale? I'd like to get more on the market before anything goes to court. That way, Tommy loses more and more legal ground.

Oh, and please, have the twins send our illustrious Professor Snape a complimentary Moldiemort robe.

- HP

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Ginny Weasley  
**CC: **Severus Snape / Potions Master**  
Re: **FW: Re: Merchandising 

Harry:

I've notified the twins Re:Legal's advice.

2) Removed the last sonnet. I'm keeping a copy in my private edition, mind you.

3) Calendar is GORGEOUS! And, effective 10:00 hours, it goes on sale. Do keep in mind, pre-release sales have 70 percent of all copies sold out. Immediate delivery has been scheduled, so it's safe to say for those who have already bought a copy, they'll have it in their hot drooling little hands at 10:01 hours.

4) One complimentary set of Moldiemort robes, with the anti-wear charm to protect against any students spraying a damaging potion on them have been sent to our brilliant Potions Master.

Good luck with the game today, Harry!

Ginny

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Sucking Up 

Was that enough? Do you think he'll be all puffed, peacocky and leave us the bloody hell alone in class for a few days?

- GW

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From:** Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Sucking up 

We can only hope. You'll be at the game today?

HP

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Re: Sucking up 

With bells on. Have I complimented you on your excellent physique, yet? I had to put the calendar down and start fanning myself. My goodness, Harry...

Ginny

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From:** Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Calendars 

Potter:

Before you investigate the records of sales, I have purchased one of your calendars for my niece. I don't suppose you would be so courteous to autograph it, would you?

Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress

**

* * *

****To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re: Calendars 

Professor:

Even though a part of my fragile ego cringes at this entire... calendar episode, I would be delighted to autograph your copy. I can have it sent to you with autograph already on it before delivery begins, sparing you (and me) the embarrassment of tracking me down to sign.

To whom should it be autographed?

Harry

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Re: Re: Calendars 

Potter:

I thank you for your consideration. I quite agree that having to get the calendar autographed after delivery would be embarrassing for all parties involved.

It should be persoanlized to: "Minnie" and any references to Minnie as a kitten are all fine.

Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger  
From: **Harry Potter  
**FW: **You Won't Believe This 

Come on, now truthfully, are you BUYING the niece thing?

- HP

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **FW: You Won't Believe This 

Oh dear heavens! I have Transfiguration this morning! How will I sit in her class and NOT break into giggles!

- HG

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter, Hermione Granger  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **FW: You Won't Believe This 

Harry...

She wants you. Surely you can milk a good grade out of that!

Ginny  
"Don't TOUCH the merchandise! Hands off! Back, you madwomen! Back!"  
- O. Wood, Witch Weekly Vol 11330, Issue 320

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re: **Your Game Today 

Good luck today, mate. To perk you up on this deplorable event, I was watching the Wizard Broadcast and they covered a section Re: the calendar. I think it's safe to say, it's a smashing hit. And, the photographer was utterly amazing. Not one commentary has referred to it as anything but artistic, graceful, amazing, awesome and a 'true appreciation of fine male physicality'.

I think you're safe. Strut your stuff, Potter. And make Malfoy look BAD.

- Ollie**  
**Nekkid Partner in Crime

**

* * *

****To:** **Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley  
From: **Lavender Brown  
**Re: **Calendars Orders 

Harry, I was just finalizing all the orders for immediate delivery before I nip down to brekkie. The charms are all set, owls loaded, and everything is ready to rock and roll like clockwork.

As I reviewed the sales list, a couple of alarming purchases leapt up to grab me.

First: Draco bought a copy. If he tries to 'grab' anything on the field, I doubt it'll be the Snitch. Make sure you're guarding the jewels, Harry. Or Ginny will eviscerate Malfoy.

Second: Lucius Malfoy bought a copy. Clearly, the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Third: Tom Riddle bought a copy. Now, if I were you, I'd be very afraid!

- Lav

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Breakfast 

Just heading down to the Great Hall in a moment. You up to join me in a bite?

Harry

* * *

**To:** **Harry Potter  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Breakfast 

I'd like some sausage, yes.

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Re:Breakfast 

Evil woman!

**

* * *

****To:** **Lavender Brown  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**CC: **Harry Potter**  
****Re: **Re: Calendar Orders 

Lavender, could you grab those three copies and stop them from going out? I want them to be personalized in a very special way for these three special customers. I'll discuss this further with Harry at breakfast. I'll grab the units from you on my way down.

- Ginny

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Lavender Brown  
**Re: **Re: Re: Calendar Orders 

You got it, girlfriend!

**

* * *

****To:** **Lord Voldemort  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re:** Your Calendar Order  
**Attach: **StupidGit.dld (5 MB) 

Dear Tom:

Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.

Enjoy!

Harry

**

* * *

****To:** **Draco Malfoy  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Your Calendar Order  
**Attach: **LilWanker.dld (5 MB) 

Dear Draco:

Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.

Enjoy!

Harry

**

* * *

****To:** **Lucius Malfoy  
From: **Harry Potter  
**Re: **Your Calendar Order  
**Attach: **Wanker.dld (5 MB) 

Dear Lucky:

Please click on the below link to receive your "Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring myself in all my glory. As a special favor to you, I've personalized the copy.

Enjoy!

Harry

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Ron Weasley  
**CC: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Today's Game 

Ginny, I didn't mention this at breakfast because I didn't want to start a public row. I don't think you should go to the game today. It's going to be quite risque and terribly inappropriate for a young lady like yourself.

- Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Ron Weasley  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**CC: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Today's Game 

At the personal invitation of Harry Potter, I will be at the game. I even have a reserved seat.

Given that I am one of the producers of the "Naked Quidditch" calendar, I really don't think that there is any 'more' of Harry that I can see while he's riding a broomstick. The only trauma I may experience is seeing my twin brothers out there in all their glory.

I've got to drop a package off to McGonagall, so I'll ask for assistance to prevent my not-so-naive eyes from seeing things best left unseen.

- Ginny

* * *

**To:** **Hermione Granger  
From: **Ron Weasley  
**Re: **Today's Game 

You're not going, right?

- Ron

**

* * *

****To:** **Ron Weasley  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **Re: Today's Game 

Of COURSE I'm going. Aren't you? You can sit with Ginny and me.

- Hermione

**

* * *

****To:** **Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse  
From:** Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Ronald Weasley 

In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is not a good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakdown. Poor boy.

- Minnie


	8. Chapter 8

_**Naked Quidditch Match - 8 Seconds Left**_

**To:** **Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Ronald Weasley

In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best left sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is not a good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakdown. Poor boy.

- Minnie

* * *

**To:** **Lord Voldemort  
From: **Lucius Malfoy  
**Re: **Legal Issues 

My lord, the courts have rejected your claim that Moldiemort robes are a libelous violation of your civil rights.

Worse, the Wizard Live Broadcast of the upcoming Gryffindor / Slytherin game has indicated that nearly all spectators are planning to wear the robes in support of their hero, Potter. Further the overhead banner of the announcing booth will have promotional material for the robes alongside "The Naked Quidditch" calendars and a new product that I fear will truly not please you.

Something called "Mockeries of a Dark Lord". Again, the courts claim you do not have exclusive rights to the phrase "Dark Lord" and it is a vague enough term for any of history's predominant dark wizards.

And, yes, before you ask, I killed the lawyers representing your interest.

Lucius Malfoy

**

* * *

****To:** **Peter Pettigrew  
From: **Lucius Malfoy  
**Re: **Our Master 

I daresay that he'll start foaming at the mouth anytime now. Watch him closely, Peter. I've got our people organized to run an assault during the game. I'll let you know how it goes before reporting to Him. If things fall apart, give him some calming potion.

Lucius Malfoy

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Lucius Malfoy  
From: **Peter Pettigrew  
**Re: **Re:Our Master

So much for being "Lucky". Our Frothing Lord is intending to lead the assault.

Was nice knowing you, Malfoy! Happy trails in hell!

PP

* * *

**To:** **Padfoot  
From: **Moony  
**Re: **Game Time 

Hey, Padfoot -- I'm about to Apparate over to Hogsmeade for the game. You up to meeting me outside the Three Broomsticks before heading up to Hogwarts?

Moony

* * *

**To:** **Moony  
From:** Padfoot  
**Re: **Re: Game Time 

Will you give me a bowl of Butterbeer?

- Woof

* * *

**To:** **Padfoot  
From: **Moony  
**Re: **Butterbeer 

You lush. You'd think you'd not had Butterbeer in a decade.

- Moony

* * *

**To:** **Moony  
From:** That Puppy in the Window  
**Re: **Re: Butterbeer 

I haven't had Butterbeer in a decade! They don't exactly serve fine cuisine in Azkaban. Moldy bread, rancid water, etc. That's their menu.

I reckon, I don't rightly remember WHAT Butterbeer tastes like, after so long of being wrongfully imprisoned.

- Poor Hard-done by Padfoot

**

* * *

**

**To: Padfoot  
From:** Moony  
**Re: **Guilt-trips

You always were a master of the Guilt-Trip. Damn those puppy-dog eyes of yours. Fine. I'll buy you some Butterbeer.

- Moony

**

* * *

**

**To: Moony  
From:** Padfoot  
**Re: **Re: Guilt-trips

You love me. You really do. sniff

**

* * *

****To:** **Padfoot  
From:** Moony  
**Re: **Re: Re: Guilt-trips 

Only in your better dreams. Now, get your tail-wagging arse in gear and get over here.

**

* * *

****To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From: **Charlie Weasley  
**Re: **Game Time 

Dragons are in place. I must admit, I'm delighted that my little sister thought of this idea. I had no idea that she was so well trained in understanding the capabilities of defensive dragon stratagems.

Looking forward to the game, today. And man, am I EVER glad that I never had a match like this!

- Charlie Weasley

**

* * *

****To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
**Re: **Games & Calendars 

I am to understand by the glazed look in students' eyes that the calendars were issued promptly this morning. I must admire Weasley and Potter for their strategy. Attention on the game today will have been lessened by the presence of this calendar.

I have heard from Severus today. He feels Harry and his associates have an unfair advantage. It appears a few members of his Quidditch team have also received copies of the calendar and are incredibly distracted. I agreed to speak to you regarding postponing the game.

Your thoughts?

Albus

* * *

**To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From:** Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Game 

No. Way. In. Hell.

I wanta to see my boys at play!

- Minnie

* * *

**To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
**Re: **Re: Game 

Minnie: You. Gutter. OUT!

**

* * *

****To:** **Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Re: Re: Game 

Oh, dear. Sorry. Backslid for a moment there. It shan't happen again, Professor.

All the same, with all the charms, protections and other lengths we have gone to for this game, I am not in favor of postponing.

- Minnie

**

* * *

****To:** **Severus Snape / Potions Master  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **The Game (TODAY!) 

Severus, we are still on for today's game. I trust your boys and girls are ready for the game and focused on the task at hand.

Yours,

Minerva

**

* * *

****To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Severus Snape / Potions Master  
**Re: **Re: The Game (TODAY!) 

Minerva,

Are we not taking inter-house rivalry a little far? My team is certainly not ready, as there's something other than the game that they want to have in hand.

SS

**

* * *

****To:** **Severus Snape / Potions Master  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!) 

Nice implied statement. Very slick.

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Severus Snape / Potions Master  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!)

Not so bad yourself, Minnie. Regardless how the game turns out, do you want to go down to Hogsmeade after and celebrate our survival of this farce?

SS

* * *

**To:** **Severus Snape / Potions Master  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: Re: The Game (TODAY!) 

Only if you're up to it, old boy! Only if you're up to it. wink

- Minnie

**

* * *

****To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Padma Patil  
**Re: **Game time (soon!) 

Ginny, if you're still around and not down at the pitch, do you want to go down with us HP fans?

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Padma Patil  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Game time (soon!)

Can't. Gotta go down with my man (right now!) and 'support' the team.

Ginny

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re:**Calendars 

Hey Ginny,

Can you bring my copy of the now infamous "Naked Quidditch" pictures down to the game? I'd rather not have them delivered by owl post. My 'fans' would likely filch them. Amongst anything else they can find to get their mangey grasping paws on.

But, hey… I'm not bitter. Just bruised.

I'll see you at the game!

- Oliver

* * *

**To:** **Oliver Wood  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Calendars 

Ouch, Oliver. You have got to hire some bodyguards! If it makes you feel any better, you'll always be safe around me.

I've got your pictures, all nicely bundled up and innocuous. Glad you mailed me when you did. I almost sent them out!

I'm heading down to McGonagall's office with Harry in just a moment. The team is having a "don't kill each other" session with our fearless Head. So, I'll be down at the pitch bright and early. Harry's reserved a great seat for Hermione and me.

BTW, unit sales of the calendar are at 92. We were 70 sold before the product went live, and sold an additional 22 in less than two hours. I think it'll be sold out by the time the game's over.

Dennis Creevey has volunteered to monitor the sales while the game is on. He says he can't bear to be out there watching all sorts of 'bits flying about'.

GW

* * *

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Oliver Wood  
**Re: **Re: Re: Calendars 

Oh, I bet I'm safe around you. It's not my body you're so fond of ogling, now is it?

- Oliver

**

* * *

**

**To: Oliver Wood  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re:**Re: Re: Re: Calendars

Be nice, Ollie. I do have all of the original photos and negatives after all. I'd hate to have to blackmail you into good behavior and less innuendo.

Even if what you're implying is true. And more importantly, my ogling object is now mine. All mine. Bwahahahah. Urr. Sorry.

Gin

* * *

**To:** **Lord Voldemort  
From: **Lucius Malfoy  
**Re:**Today's Assault 

Master,

May I humbly request that you allow us to make the attack on the upcoming Hogwarts Quidditch Match on your behalf? Let us endeavor to bring this victory to you.

Potter has been too cocky in his recent assaults, Master. I do not wish to endanger you in something that is most assuredly a trap.

Please Master. Stay home. Watch your Star Wars DVD's. Again.

- Lucius Malfoy

**

* * *

****To:** **Lucius Malfoy  
From:** The Dark Lord  
**Re: **Re: Today's Assault 

Potter stands no chance against me. I am VOLDEMORT! DARK LORD OF THE SITH!

No force of Goodness may stand against me. I shall emerge from this battle victorious! There is only the Darkness!

VOLDEMORT

DARK LORD OF SITH

**

* * *

****To:** **Draco Malfoy  
From:** Daddy  
**Re: **Today's Game 

Son,

The 'Dark Lord' has snapped. He's completely off his rocker. Looney as they get. Nutters. Just thought I should let you know. He's planning to attack at today's game, and I'm almost certain this will blow up in all our faces.

I think it's time for the Malfoy family to switch teams, if you know what I mean.

With love,

Daddy

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Game Time 

Hey Hermione (Harry beside me says "Hi!")

Just heading down now. Meet you down there in a few!

G & H

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **Out of Curiosity 

Why is Harry in your dorm, Ginny? And are you aware your brother has gone completely catatonic?

- Hermione

**

* * *

****To:** **Hermione Granger  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re:**Re: Out of Curiosity 

Which brother? I have so many with so many reasons to go catatonic. Most having something to do with things I've done to them. Anyway, it's hard to know which brother has snapped with a vague statement like that. Could you be more specific?

And, Ms. Manners, mind your own business. We're having a post-breakfast business meeting, if you must know.

G & H

* * *

**To:** **Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **Re: Re: Out of Curiosity 

Business meeting, my arse. Post-breakfast, Pre-game snog. And, your brother RON has gone catatonic. Is that specific enough?

In fact, he's foaming at the mouth. Rather like you were after the measurements for Harry were publicly released by, oh yes, Harry. D'ya suppose your brother is GAY?

- Hermione

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Hermione Granger  
From: **Ginny Weasley  
**Re: **Re: Re: Re: Out of Curiosity

Wouldn't you be the expert on my dear brothers… preference? Besides, no, I don't think he's gay. Unlike Draco Malfoy (and the Malfoy family) he didn't order a calendar.

**

* * *

**

**To: Ginny Weasley  
From: **Hermione Granger  
**Re: **Draco

EEEEEP! That's so… so… SICK!

**

* * *

**

**To: Lee Jordan  
From: **Fred and George Weasley  
**Re: **About that last email...

We're sorry, Lee. Shouldn't have blamed you. How can we make it up to you, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol' friend?

- F&G

* * *

**To:** **Fred and George Weasley  
From: **Lee Jordan  
**Re: **Autoresponder / (Re: About that last email…) 

Sorry, I'm not available at present to take your message. Today is the long awaited Gryffindor Naked Quidditch Match, and as the commentator for Quidditch Sports at Hogwarts, I'm needed for stadium broadcast setup.

Hope to see you at the game! Come out and show your team your support!

And if your Fred / George Weasley… vengeance is mine.

Lee Jordan

**

* * *

**

**To: To My Loyal Death Eaters  
From: **Lord Voldemort  
**Re: **Mobilization of our Forces against Potter!

My loyal Death Eaters,

Now is the time to wage an assault against Dumbledore and Potter. I want every person wearing those robes tortured, Crucio'd, and killed. I want them pounded into the ground.

I want them pummeled, pulverized, gutted, eviscerated, gouged, crucified, gored… I want them DEAD!

I trust you get my point.

We attack as soon as the balls are in the air.

Lord Voldemort

**

* * *

****To:** **The Dark Lord, The Gang  
From: **Vinnie Crabbe  
**Re: **Re: Mobilization of our Forces against Potter! 

Master,

Given the number of balls that will be flying, which specific one has to be in the air before we attack? Potter's, or the Quidditch balls?

* * *

**To:** **Sales-at-Moldiemort**  
**From: **C. Fudge  
**Organization:** Ministry of Magic  
**Re: **Robes 

I'd like to order three robes, XL size. And, could I also request two of "The Naked Quidditch" calendars?

Orders should be billed to:

Minister of Magic  
Wizard Government Building  
London, England

* * *

**To:** **Minister C. Fudge**  
**From: **Sales-at-Moldiemort  
**Organization:** Ministry of Magic  
**Re: **Re: Robes

Dear Minister Fudge:

Thank you for your order.

Units Size Description Unit Price Total

3 XL Moldiemort 50 Galleons 150 Galleons

2 -- NQ Calendar 2 Galleons 4 Galleons

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Subtotal: 154 Galleons

Tax (3): 4 Galleons, 60 Sickles

Balance Due: 158 Galleons, 60 Sickles

Units will be delivered immediately.

Best regards,  
Moldiemort Incorp.

Watch soon for our newest product: "Mockeries of a Dark Lord", a cynical and humorous portrayal of evil via prose, limericks and other fun literary works.

**

* * *

**

**To:** **Sales-at-Moldiemort  
From: **C. Fudge  
**Organization:** Ministry of Magic  
**Re: **Robes

Thank you for the information. Is it possible to pre-order "Mockeries of a Dark Lord"?

Oh, and do you have a discount for government employees?

- C. Fudge

**

* * *

****To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse  
**Re: **Ron Weasley 

The boy has been sedated, poor soul. I'm leaving some wards about him now just as I nip down to the game. He should stay 'out' until at least late this afternoon.

I do hope your team knows their protective spells. Nasty business, naked quidditch!

Poppy

* * *

**To:** **Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse  
From: **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Re: Ron Weasley 

And of course, you're only nipping down to the game 45 minutes before it starts for the welfare of the students.

- Minnie

* * *

**To:** **Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
From: **Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse  
**Re: **Re: Re: Ron Weasley 

But of COURSE I'm only going to ogle for the sake of the students. See you in a few!

Poppy

* * *

**To:** **Peter Pettigrew  
From: **Lucius Malfoy  
**Re: **Re: Re: Our Master 

Crabbe is a blundering idiot. Now the Master is hell bent on being there to ensure that we chase the right balls.

I've tried EVERYTHING to stop him. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've grovelled, I've even flattered him outrageously. Isn't there anything you can do, Wormtail? Can't you hex him or SOMETHING?

So Very Un-Lucky

**

* * *

****To:** **Rita Skeeter  
From:** M. Stuart  
**Organization: **Witch Weekly, Inc.  
**Re: **NQM  
**Attach:** Passes1.tif (57 K) 

Rita, your passes are attached. These will permit you and your photographer access to the game. We have been sent legal notice that any and all photos taken must be approved by the Gryffindor House Team, and the negatives must be surrendered to Prof. Albus Dumbledore.

Please don't infringe on the legalities. PLEASE. Or, they WILL have a valid lawsuit against us. And keep your Quick-Quotes Quill to yourself! The utter bare facts, Rita. No pun intended.

M. Stuart  
Editor in Chief  
Witch Weekly, Inc.

**

* * *

****To:** **All Gryffindors****  
From:** Dean Thomas  
**Re: **Play Ball! 

Hope everyone's set for the game. I know our team is ready to bedazzle the school with what a Gryffindor is made of. Let's get down there, and show our support.

Girls, do the boys a favor and try not to giggle. Boys, do the girls a favor and don't drool at the femmes of our team. Let's show the Slytherins that what's going on in the game has more to do with Snitches, Bludgers, and whatnot than with breasts and balls.

- Dean

**

* * *

****T****o:** **Dean Thomas****  
From:** Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress  
**Re: **Re: Play Ball! 

How utterly inspiring, Mr. Thomas. See me after the game.

Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress


	9. Chapter 9

**_Naked Quidditch Match: Game Time:_**

"Welcome Hogwarts alumni, professors, peers, and exalted guests to the long-awaited match between Gryffindor's amazing Quidditch team and Slytherin's abysmal--

"JORDAN!" McGonagall bellowed.

"Err... Slytherin's opposing team." Lee shot the professor a shrug. "As many of you are aware... at least, anyone literate, so I can't speak for the Slytherins-- this match today will be absolutely unique. Due to the utter foolishness of the Co-Captains of the Gryffindor team, the players in fourth form and upwards will be playing in the buff. Hence the packed crowd. I daresay, glancing over the crowds around me, you're all either hankering for a look at our luscious lady-Chasers or awaiting Harry Potter's masculine wonder."

"JORDAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Professor... it's not like nearly everyone here HASN'T bought one of those calendars..." Lee protested in an aside.

"Stay focused on the game, Jordan. Not the uniforms."

"Or lack thereof." Lee smirked.

"Or lack thereof." McGonagall nodded, her face set in a severe disapproving frown. "Stick to the facts, Jordan. Ungarnished. Advise of the security methods so the fans don't panic at the sight of dragons."

Lee rolled his eyes, but lifted his wand again. "Before the game commences, I would like to advise all our viewers of some necessary security precautions. Occasionally, you will see dragons flying high overhead. These are Dragonguards, not wild dragons that just happened to visit our field full of lush human bodies."

"JORDAN..."

"In addition, because of a suspected danger of You-Know-Who's forces attacking, we've done much to antagonize the ol' git into a full fit of incompetence. Most of you were encouraged to wear the Moldiemort robes, a fine line of product from Moldiemort Inc., a company headed by Harry Potter as CEO, and his lovely right hand Ginny Weasley, of the Weasley family, as his Executive President. This company is offering many wonderful items, with new material coming out in the upcoming days. Many of you already have "The Naked Quidditch" calendar, featuring the likes of Oliver Wood, our own former Gryffindor captain and team keeper, and Victor Krum, the sensational seeker from Bulgaria. The star attraction, however, is Harry Potter in all his natural glory! More of which you'll all have the privilege to see today. And the boy is slick, ladies."

"JORDAN! STOP PROMOTING... " Her voice trailed off as she searched for a tactful way to explain her demands.

"Harry's assets?" Lee asked innocently.

"Yes." She glared fiercely.

Jordan coughed discretely, and once again raised his wand "In any case, the promotional items and banners while they may entice you into purchasing are more to distract attention of any malevolent sort. Aurors are strategically placed around the fields, stadium and school, and the charms in place are enough to knock any nasty Dark Wizard right on his tail. In the event of an assault, please do not panic and allow the defensive wizards, dragons, and charms do their work."

Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched McGonagall sigh in relief, and smirked to himself. It was just so fun goading their stern Deputy Headmistress with the innuendo and side comments.

"Now, before players take the field, the roster for today's game is as follows:  
For the Gryffindor team: Co-Captains, and Bludgers... err Beaters Fred and George Weasley, the prats who got our beloved heroes in this mess..."

"Jordan, I'm warning you..." McGonagall growled lowly, yet the entire stadium still heard her.

"Chasers for Gryffindor are the lovely and talented Alicia Spinnet, Angelina Johnson, and the unconquerable Katie Bell..." The cheers and whistles rocked the stadium. "New to the team, and welcome addition is third-year Alex Mercado as Keeper, who, due to the restrictions on the bet gets to guard the goals in his uniform." Laughter and applause sounded clearly, and in true style, the crescendo was rising. "And, Seeker-extraordinaire, the man who has NEVER missed a Snitch the one..." The screams began, "The ONLY" and whistles, hoots and chants echoed, "HARRY POTTER!" The roar of the stadium was deafening.

Just to his side, he heard McGonagall's resigned sigh. Well, what commentator would ignore the fact that not only was Harry a celebrity to the wizarding world, he was a Quidditch super-star in the making? Goodness, he had his own promotional merchandise to make him a very wealthy man before he left school.

Lee paused long enough to let the cheers fade somewhat. "And, the Slytherin gits..."

"JORDAN!" Goodness, the woman had impeccable timing and volume.

"Team," he amended hastily. "The Slytherin team is as follows: Captain and Chaser Marcus Flint." Music to his ears, short of the small contingent of Slytherins (past and present), most of the stadium roared with resounding 'boos.' "Chasers Denis Warrington, Christoph Montague. In the position of Beaters, though they're bloody Bludgers on their own, (Heh.) Iggy Bole and Gunter Derrick. Incompetent Keeper will mind the goals, and playing Seeker since he bought his way onto the team..."

"JORDAN! STOP THAT RIGHT..."

"Draco Malfoy and his shiny Nimbus 2001 collection, sported by all his lovely well-purchased team members..."

"JORDAN, IF YOU DON'T STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

"Sorry Professor, my house loyalty got in my way," he apologized adroitly. He grinned cheekily. "Now, if we can have everyone stand, let's have it for the Hogwarts School Song."

With a great deal of chaotic noise, all attendees stood, their right arm crossing their breast in a patriotic gesture that placed hand above heart. Then, and only then, did the greatest known tragedy of what it meant to be a wizard begin.

The slaughter of music was profound. Caterwauling in the extreme, and Jordan, despite his patriotic love of the game of Quidditch, his role of commentator and the wizarding world he lived in, had to shudder.

Fortunately, the murder of their beloved anthem ended quickly. "Right. Lovely folks... just lovely. Well, with all the preambles out of the way... let's play QUIDDITCH!"

Again, the crowds roared their approval. Lee glanced down to the changing room doors that led out to the pitch and absently wondered what was happening in the Gryffindor changing rooms. Oh, to be a fly on those walls. Especially with all the extra compound eyes just to gaze wondrously at the team Chasers. He sighed lustily, wincing when McGonagall glared at him.

A flurry of action hit the field as the Slytherin team burst from their change room, their green and silver uniforms a sharp contrast to the blue sky and fluffy white clouds. "And, out first are the Slytherins... FLINT, WARRINGTON, MONTAGUE, BOLE, DERRICK, BLETCHLY and... MALFOY!"

The cheering was more for the game about to start than anything else. Now, the crowds gazed with avid fascination towards the area where the Gryffindor team would emerge. The tension was palpable, the hunger just delicious.

Glancing around, Lee spotted Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger sitting complacently in one of the best boxes of the stadium. They looked calm, very nonchalant and completely at ease with all that was happening around them. Well, if rumor was true, Ginny had seen up close and personal the most prized package the school had to offer. She could afford to be blasé. But, Hermione? Well, perhaps she did hanker for Ron more than Harry, contrary to the pool in the tower. He'd have to change his bet.

It couldn't have been more than seconds, but it felt like an eternity before the Gryffindor team burst from the sidelines... the sudden gasp of the crowd and then insane screaming spoke volumes for what was happening. Keeper Alex Mercado, took to his position in his maroon and gold uniform, the wild grin on his face infinitely more evil than any Slytherin was capable of.

"AND THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM... WEASLEY, WEASLEY, BELL, JOHNSON, SPINNET, MERCADO and... POTTER!"

Blue blurs shot past the commentator's booth and Lee had to wipe his eyes and stare again just to be sure he saw what he thought he'd seen. The idiots had done it. They'd actually gone and dyed themselves with woad. "And for those people out there who are ogling the fine specimens of Gryffindor flesh, the blue twits are the Weasley twins... I hope they realize that woad won't come out of their skin for another month or so."

The laughter was uproarious.

There was a bit of a murmur about the girls, skirting around in their robes with their hair down and faces glowing. Some token protests echoed in the crowds, and all it did was make the three chasers smile most bewitchingly.

Wisely, Lee held onto the desk firmly.

With a flick of their wrist, and in perfect time, the cloaks were tossed aside, drifting the ground like chiffon scarves on the wind. The girls sat cockily on their broomsticks in bras and little pleated skirts, with knee high boots gracing their long, long legs. "Oh dear," Lee mumbled.

McGonagall just muttered to herself, one hand braced over her eyes as she shook her head. Poor woman seemed in pain.

In a quick action, Katie, Alicia, and Angelina lost one boot... the three black boots falling in almost a prearranged pattern to the ground as they whipped by the stands, giving the crowds quite the eyeful. The other boot nipped away seconds later, then the skirts, leaving only string bikini bottoms and bras.

"We should have done a pool on what male in the stadium wouldn't get a woody," Lee muttered to himself. "Damn..."

The bras vanished next and the roar in the stadium, a masculine sound of pure testosterone, was powerful. Then, the bikini bottoms and there was such a groan...

"Oh dear," Lee squeaked. "Err... well... seems all is in order by rules for this match." He didn't notice the break in his voice.

High above all the rigmarole sat Potter, shoulders back, his body poised proudly on display and looking like a virtual Adonis. If all the men in the stadium were gawking at the girls, then every female in the stadium was glued to Potter. Hell, just looking at the wizarding world's own adolescent hero, Lee had to admit that if it weren't for the fact that he was firmly heterosexual, he would have been tempted.

Interesting how Draco seemed to be sniffing about quite closely to Potter. "The teams are taking their positions, and it looks like the game is already in the bag for the Gryffindors. The Slytherin Seeker can't seem to identify the difference between the Golden Snitch and Potter's..."

"JORDAN!" McGonagall's screech was beyond simply outraged.

"Err..." Jordan winced.

Madam Hooch fortunately took this opportunity to signal both teams from the centre of the field. Clearly, her voice amplified by charm, she opened the game in her usual style. "I want a nice fair game, all of you," she insisted, glaring fiercely at the Captains (and Co-Captains) of both teams.

"The players assume position, in preparation for the release of the Quaffle." Lee was back to business. "Madam Hooch raises the whistle and... the Quaffle is released. Katie Bell, one of the best Chasers ever out of Gryffindor takes possession of the Quaffle, shifting her little arse a little for a bit of wiggle to distract the Slytherin Beater-boys most successfully."

"JORDAN!"

"Captain Marcus Flint cuts across to joust Bell for the Quaff... Spinnet to the rescue, and I bet Flint got an eyeful there. Katie passes back to Angelina and... look at those breasts bounce!"

"JORDAN!" McGonagall's voice reached upper octaves.

"Did I say that aloud? Oops. Johnson takes possession of the Quaffle, passes long back to Alicia and... Bletchly dives to intercept... SCORE! Ten points for Gryffindor! Slytherin takes possession. Chaser Montague ducks one Bludger and dives to evade Spinnet. Speeding toward the goals, his own teammates Bole and Derrick keep aiming Bludgers to keep Gryffindor Chasersclear. Oh-ho... he shoots... Mercado dives and blocks the score. Ten-nothing, Gryffindor!"

"Johnson takes control of the Quaffle and... what the HELL?"

McGonagall leapt to her feet, mouth gaping--but not in response to Jordan, rather at the sudden spectacle manifesting on the pitch. She disappeared in a flurry of robes.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have Death Eaters on the pitch!" It took a moment of squinting, but Lee eventually managed to establish details of what was happening below. And, appropriately, refocused on his priorities. "The teams are continuing to play... Warrington has the Quaffle, swerves to evade Johnson and-- OUCH. Bell takes possession. Tosses to Spinnet who ducks under the Bludger with a brilliant dive. Comes right on Bole... who should have jigged instead of jagged. That Bludger to the ribs has got to smart."

It was at this point that the Death Eaters seemed to figure out what they were doing. Concurrently, Jordan noticed, the Moldiemort board above the pitch lit up with some new adverts for Potter's latest project.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" A black-robed Death Eater jumped up and down hysterically. "I WANT POTTER DEAD! "

Lee grinned. "Ladies and gents! What a rare treat! For those of you doubting the return You-Know-Who, please take note of the jumping-bean lunatic on the field."

Truly, for the Dark Lord, he was a pathetic sight. All pearly skin, his eyes slits and nose mere slits... the resemblance to something serpentine was profound. The foam at the corners of the mouth, though...

"Ah, I see Lucius Malfoy and Vincent Goyle, Sr. are in attendance with their master," Lee chortled as Voldemort's histrionics resulted in removing the masks and hoods off his two followers.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"

A sudden flurry of activity above caught the attention of all in the stadium, including the Death Eaters. It was as if Harry Potter had deigned to give Voldemort a shot at his greatest wish. Swooping in a spectacular dive, and evading hexes tossed at him by the Death Eaters, he dropped straight for Voldemort's position.

"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"

"Potter's apparently lost his mind." Jordan leaned forward, puzzled. The game around them continued, with lively distraction on the part of the players as a result of Potter's sudden action. "And I..."

Harry was within a meter of the Dark Lord when his hand lifted off the broom and shot out towards Voldemort. All the spectators that could see Harry's face watched him speak a brief few words to the Dark Lord, and then in a sweeping pass, his hand nipped into Voldemort's hood and extracted quickly the Golden Snitch in his grip.

"One hundred and fifty points to Gryffindor! The cheek of Potter! His eye was firmly on the Snitch there, folks, and the game is concluded. One hundred and seventy points for Gryffindor, the victors!" Lee paused. "Hot damn! That may be one of the shortest games in Quidditch history!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Your Daily Snitch**

by RITA SKEETER

_photos by A. KINETIC_

The Daily Prophet

**HOGWARTS**-- Despite the forced forecast of sunny skies and mild temperature about the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch today, there was a definite storm of rampant hormones and burning excitement.

The event causing the ruckus – the now infamous "Naked Quidditch Match"-- or more commonly, the house game between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Of course, contrary to initial speculation, only the Gryffindor house was in the buff, due to the foolish gambling of Co-Captains Fred and George Weasley. Neither of which Weasley boy presently enjoys much popularity with their teammates, rumor has it.

"We didn't think we could lose, either way!" the blue-skinned duo chimed cheekily to this reporter, once they were properly robed after the game, but still quite Smurf-blue having dyed themselves in true Celtic fashion prior to the game.

The stands for today's game were packed beyond capacity. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was forced to cast reinforcing spells on the structures prior to the game, and did make a remark on how this was possibly a historic first for Hogwarts in terms of attendance.

In an understanding display of good sportsmanship and depraved hormones, the Slytherin team appeared from the Changing rooms first, clad in their trademark green and silver uniforms. They made a quick sweep around the field, and then took their positions-- like the rest of the fans-- to watch hungrily for the Gryffindor team.

The members of the team honored the terms of the bet and were dutifully unclad. For the most part. The three Chasers for the Gryffindor team, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell, appeared fully robed – and then did the most provocative and alluring strip-tease to be seen on the British Isles since Morgana Le Fay seduced Arthur Penvarion in full court. It had the males of the school (those not committed to ogling Harry Potter's significant assets) spellbound.

And, the pride and glory of the Gryffindor team, their renowned Seeker Harry Potter (The Boy Who Lived) took to the field like a god. More than one student commented on his poise, his grace, and his use of his God-given equipment. At age 17, Potter has most definitely earned his place in _Witch Weekly _as the Wizarding World's most desired bachelor.

In spite the bawdy conditions on today's game, and the few hiccups that interrupted the play (A minor Death Eater attack was circumvented. He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named had a small hysterical fit and tantrum in the middle of the stadium pitch, it was perhaps the most professionally played game this reporter has ever seen.

"Potter's accuracy at finding and securing the Snitch is amazing. There's no place he won't fly to, no maneuver he won't make. He's tops on a broom!" praised Oliver Wood, a former alumnus of the school and Keeper for Puddlemere United. Once the Captain of the Gryffindor team, Wood has once again teamed with Potter for the much-anticipated Naked Quidditch Calendar. Released just this morning, the Executive President of Potter Enterprises Worldwide, Ginevra Weasley, announced that sales were at 98, and that another 25,000 units have been authorized for production to meet the burgeoning demand of the public.

"It's a smash!" reported Ms. Weasley. "And we're delighted to make such an amazing contribution to St. Mungo's Victims Unit. Already we've committed 375 thousand Galleons to charity!"

The calendar, however, is just the forerunner to many good things coming from Potter Enterprises. Founded by Potter and Weasley, this business has shown in the few short weeks since incorporation to have the market in its grasp, and a keen sense of humor, wit and appeal. The Moldiemort Robes (TM) were the ONLY garments to be seen at the game. In all sorts of sizes, the shimmer stood clear and dominant. "They were designed to empower witches and wizards. To give us all a sense that what we fear can be and should be mocked. Fear is not something to run from, but to face, overcome and become stronger for doing so," Ginevra Weasley informed us at the press meeting.

This sentiment was reinforced by Professor Dumbledore, a longstanding proponent for not backing down against the Dark Wizards of the world.

And indeed, with You-Know-Who jumping up and down and howling in a clear fit, it seems hard to be afraid of this clearly deformed and unstable man. The Ministry officials in attendance wasted no time in seizing Death Eaters Lucius Malfoy, Avery MacNair, and Vincent Goyle, who were trying to pick up their fallen master and escape. As attacks go, it was a laughingstock-- and one which Potter made into a bigger humiliation by plucking the Snitch out from the hood of Voldemort's robe whilst a "verse" from the upcoming _Mockeries of a Dark Lord_ flashed across the Wiztronic above the commentator's booth.

It was one of the most dramatic and powerful games of Quidditch history, and also one of the shortest. "Not even ten minutes," bemoaned Fred Weasley. "We knew Harry wasn't happy about having his bits scattered across all the papers, but really!"

Added his twin, George, "He could have held out for at least a half hour!"

_End of the Naked Quidditch Match_

_Happy Snitches!_


End file.
